A la Carte

Finally, someone in the media is hearing what I've been saying for years. Cable companies should let consumers pick and choose the channels they want to pay for. Because, and I'm sure the cable companies know this and react with the appropriate fear, there are very few channels I would actually pay to watch.
I would pay for...

• Bravo. I have recently become addicted to Project Runway. I think Heidi Klum is my new girl crush. Cute little pregger and her cute German accent.
  
• Food Network. For Dave Lieberman, Paula Deen and her cute-ass son, Jamie. I like to watch the cooking shows, and I actually make most of their dishes.
• Local channels (PBS, CBS, ABC, NBC, UPN). You'll note Fox is missing, because they suck. Are the Simpsons even on anymore?
• MTV, because I think I've spent every New Year's Day since 1999 hungover and watching whatever Real World/Road Rules/Challenge marathon they play.
• VH1, because I do love the Surreal Life, and I Love the... shows.
• NESN, during baseball season.
• Comedy Central, if only to watch the Daily Show.
• The Learning Channel. I'm a fan of What Not to Wear and the shows where people have babies/get married/have dates.
• A channel that does not yet exist that exclusively plays Sex and the City reruns.
• A channel that does not yet exist that exclusively plays Law and Order: Special Victims Unit reruns. Call me, B.D. Wong!
• A channel that does not yet exist that exclusively plays Phantom Gourmet reruns.
• A channel that does not yet exist that exclusively plays The Best of Pete Bouchard. That only exists in my mind.
  

But that's about it. I will not pay for...

• Fox News. Bite my liberal ass, Murdock.
• NECN. New England isn't that big. We don't need a cable channel that loops cutesy footage of covered bridges and boats between human interest stories.
• Nickelodeon. I can only handle about one SpongeBob episode per annum. I do miss such television gems as Salute Your Shorts, Alex Mack, Double-Dare, and Clarissa Explains it All.
• Any 24-hour news outlet. It was cute at first with CNN, but now it's a tapeworm in the intestines of journalism. I think the miner story illustrates how blindly 24-hour news tries to make something out of nothing, and I do feel bad encouraging them.
• Any home shopping channels. I don't need anything with an elastic waist, thanks.
• Lifetime. If I want overwrought dialogue, I'll read some Jane Austen. Thanks.

So get on it, cable companies. When I live on my own, I'm not paying for a full cable package. I can rent DVDs of Good Deal with Dave Lieberman and Paula's Home Cooking if I really need to watch them. You were warned.