The Cat's at the Purity Ball with Humbert

If any of my readers are parents, you may wish that you spent more time with your kids. A father may feel disconnected from his teenage daughter, whose juvenile breasts and mood swings indicate she may be led by the media and liberals into the arms of some pimpled, sullen teenage boy, horror or horrors. What is a father to do? Sit his daughter down and explain the birds and bees? Or react like the father in Ten Things I Hate About You and slap the pregnancy vest on his daughters to remind them of the dangers of the pimply, adolescent flesh? Why not combine the two for the Purity Ball?

Like Humbert Humbert's dream prom, this group throws a prom "for daughters to pledge commitments to purity and their fathers to pledge commitments to protect their girls." Why do I toss Lolita's molester into the mix? Isn't that an innocent, though slightly out-of-date, enough goal? Any parent wants to protect a child of any gender, I'd imagine, but that's neither here nor there. The problem is the testimonials this page has. Read on. I hope you can beat a path to a shower, because it's pretty icky.

"The moment I put my hand in my father's, I felt like a princess. In those six precious hours, I believe I grew in relationship with my father more than I ever have," says eleven-year-old Anna Tullis.

Her father also enjoyed the dance. "How can you measure the value of your eleven year old looking up into your eyes (as you clumsily learn the fox-trot together) with innocent, uncontainable joy, saying, 'Daddy, I'm so excited!'" Quoth Mr. Tullis. Oh my God. This sounds like a romance novel or a love scene from a movie, NOT the platonic, unsexual love of a father for daughter. Except for the vulgar American dancing, Humbert would totally get along with this guy.

Mr. Tullis continues adding evidence to the state's case:

"It is impossible to convey what I have seen in their sweet spirits, their delicate, forming souls, as their daddy takes them out for their first, big dance. Their whole being absorbs my loving attention, resulting in a radiant sense of self-worth and identity."

Whole being? Absorbs? Incorrect word choice. Way, way, WAY off-base, Mr. Tullis. Don't you think a ceremony that tells your daughter not to get involved in premarital sex should involve much less touching? Does this creep anyone else out? Bueller?