Monday, March 20, 2006

Confidential to Theo Epstein

I know you're trying to keep things quiet from the media after the CHB blabbed your business all over Boston, but Bronson and I would like to know what the shit you're doing by sending him to someplace called Cincinnati. I didn't even know Cincinnati had a baseball team.

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What? Did Bronson violate copyright laws by singing "C is for Cookie" on NESN? Are the Jim Henson copyright enforcers stealing your ape suit? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

I want my stringbean back. Because Schilling is going to do cornrows in solidarity, and none of us need to see that.

And someone named Willie Mo has no business north of the Mason-Dixon line.

Back to the apartment search. Kill me now.

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