Adventures in Wingmanning

I love Cosmopolitan magazine. It's vapid, porny, and stereotypical to enraging extents. At least once an issue, they have some comment about talking to a guy about sports "even if you're not an expert, know if the local team won its last game." I'm thinking, "For real? In 2006?" and of sending Kate White one of the Homegirls t-shirts that reads "Bigger fan that my boyfriend" because this is true of me and my ex, and true of most of my friends' boyfriends. Heads-up, Cosmo: Girls like sports now. Girls compete in sports. You know, Mia Hamm? Danica Patrick? Fearless females, which is your motto? You have "fun" in your motto too, and I guess if "fun" means "sparkles" maybe those chicks aren't your girls.

Anyway. Other than that bone of contention, I am usually fine with the content of Cosmo. Yes, it says the same thing every month. "Have Amazing Orgasms!" "Touch Him Here!!" "Get Amazing Hair!" This month's salacious article was "8 New Places to Have Sex." Colleen pointed it out to me, and I said, "I bet one of them is in a kitchen."

In front of the fridge. See?

But. This month in the little "grab bag" columns toward the back, they had advice on how to snag a guy at a bar. Usually, the advice is "make eye contact." (Which I need to be reminded of. Something about it freaks me out, which limits my ability to do come-hither eyes, which is already impaired by the off-kilter glasses sitting on my face.) This month, the advice was to talk to a hot guy's wingman.

Sounds fine. I wish I had the article here so I could type it out, but I don't carry Cosmo around with me. It basically boiled down to immediately approach the object of your affection's friend and tell the hottie's friend that you think the hot guy is hot. Then walk away.

Allow me to do a reenactment of this.

Vapid Girl: Hi.
Wing Man: Hey.
VG: Nice bar.
WM: Yeah. I come here a lot. Do you?
VG: Sure. Hey, your friend is really hot. What's his deal?
WM: Um...
VG: Like, is he single? Dating anyone?
WM: Um...
VG: Well, it was great talking to you. I'll be back with my friends if you need me. Later!

Now, Cosmo says that if the wingman is a "good friend," he'll tell his buddy that you were asking about him, and you totally want to jump the hottie. Hottie will come over and you will make tons of babies. I find this scenario highly implausible. First of all, if you walk over to the wingman, the wingman will think you are interested in him. Even if he's got no arms, he'll think you're into that. It will, after about .005 of a second, become apparent that you do not want to talk to the armless wonder, and are after the hottie he's drinking with. This transparent and sneaky maneuver will piss the wingman off, and he will call you an uppity, shallow bitch. And you? Will not make babies with a hottie.

Imagine, if you will, a dramatic enactment of this maneuver if attempted by a dude on me and my friends.

Vapid Boy: Hello.
Amy: Hi! How's it going?
VB: Great. Hey, who's the blonde?
Amy: Uh... my friend Kristen.
VB: What's her deal?
Amy: She's... wait, are you using the Cosmo trick on me?
VB: Um... I don't know what you're talking about.
Amy: Because as long as Varitek's not up, she'll talk to you her own self, asshole. I'm here to watch the game, not be her wingman.
VB: I just thought...
Kristen: What?
Amy: He thought I was here as wingman!
Kristen: Dude, as long as 'Tek's not up, I'll talk to you.
Amy: That's what I told him!
VB: [Senses he's in way over his head]
Amy: Next time, sack up and talk to a girl yourself, jackass. Or at least bring someone over here for me to talk to. God.
Kristen: Oooh, 'Tek's up!

I'd say that if you're into someone, try talking to them. If you're me, you'll find out the guy is gay. Or, as the words Sebastian put in my mouth go, "Wow, he's probably really emotionally manipulative. Hott."