The Earth Died Screaming

You have got to be fucking kidding me:

More starlets releasing albums! Yay! Fox News reports that, this time, it's Esquire's sexiest woman alive [Scarlett Johansson], who's releasing an album of Tom Waits covers on Rhino Records' Atco label. Cooler than writing a bunch of craptastic tunes and weathering the inevitable criticism. Or duetting with Meat. Mark yer calendars, Scarlett Sings Tom Waits is looking at a Spring '07 release date.

First of all, I love Tom Waits. If I may paraphrase Amy (not me, the other one with big boobs), if his voice had a body, I'd fuck it. I am aware that Tom Waits is an actual person with a body I could have the sex with, his voice is where it's at. He sounds like the boy your mother never wants you to meet because he's dirty and dangerous, but very smart. In his career, he's run the gamut from relatively tame folky-rock music ("Ol' 55" being one of the best songs ever) to the shrieking sexy guttural growl of the songs on Real Gone. I don't think I'll ever score tickets to one of his shows, but I'd kill to see him live. You won't ever hear him on KISS 108, or even WROR, but he's a great American songwriter.

Secondly, I hate Scarlett Johansson. Hate. Her. I had the misfortune of not minding my Netflix queue, and I ended up with Match Point and Lost in Translation sitting on my coffee table at the same time. Match Point was horrible, but that's not entirely Johansson's fault (I blame Woody Allen and the absolutely astoundingly bad Jonathan Rhys-Meyers for that clusterfuck) but she did nothing to better the movie. Lost in Translation was beautifully directed, Bill Murray is excellent, but Scarlett Johansson sucked. Her face never changes. She has dead-eyes. I like that she has the qualities of a human female (trace elements of hips and butt) that many movie stars don't, but those carb-starved bitches act circles around ScarJo. And, now I hear she's fucking with a man who's contributed many songs to the Great American Songbook? All the more reason to dislike her. I mean, it's bad enough Rod Stewart had to fuck with "Downtown Train." Now some vapid starlet is tinkering with the man's work? If I start hearing "Innocent When You Dream" with a pop beat in the background on the radio, I will rupture my eardrum with a spork, so help me God.