Baby, I Got Your Money

Now that Mitt Romney is no longer in our hair and we are no longer the liberal nits in his perfect coif, he is off to raise money for his futile bid to be America's next president. I am deeply sorry I missed watching Mitt leave more closely, but I was busy learning about meningitis in Rhode Island.

Sure, Mitt could go the normal route and host $500-a-plate dinners to come up with the $100,000,000 he thinks he needs to be a "serious contender" for the presidency. But since Mitt has proven himself an unconventional governor who loves poking fun at us Massholes, I'd like to give him some ideas that will hearken back to his time in Massachusetts and amuse the conservatives he'd like to court.

In a step that would remind us all of Mitt's saving the Olympics in Salt Lake City and his "expert" handling of the Big Dig collapse, he could arrange an event where prominent athletes run through a scale model of the Big Dig tunnel and try to avoid the falling concrete chunks. The folks at Bechtel would certainly be gracious enough to pay out $1000 to watch the races and eat some cheap hors d'oeuvres while laughing at that little hiccup in the system. Of course, this "concrete" would be plaster so nobody would actually die. This time.

Mitt could also get into merchandising. I'm thinking of a Monopoly-like board game where the players' main goal is to limit the rights of homosexual couples as much as possible. "Archdioceses of Boston does not allow gay couples to adopt. Move forward three spaces." "Legislature refuses to allow question on the ballot to ban gay marriage. Skip a turn." "Legislature pussies out and makes progress in putting measure on ballot. Pass go, burn a rainbow flag, collect 200 political points from straight couple in Nebraska who can now sleep at night knowing their marriage is safe."

Mitt could also hearken back to his horrendous record of abstinence-only/-also/-just shut up and don't fuck until you're married sex-ed with a line of babywear available at all Wal-Mart stores. Imagine a onsie that reads "My Momma Didn't Know Condoms Prevent Pregnancy" or "My Mom Didn't Know She Had a Choice" and maternity shirts that read "I Took Sex-Ed and All I Got Was This Lousy Fetus." The right-to-life folks would love those.

Feel free to take any of these ideas and run with them, Mitt. I wish you only the best.