Called It!

Ten months ago to the day, I wrote this post. In it, I placed this image of Mitt Romney:


With the following prediction:

He's totally using this image in his presidential campaign.

Lo and behold:

Bundled up against the chill winds of liberal Massachusetts, Mitt stood tall.

Doucheblog

The internet is the cesspool of the modern world. For every useful website, for every awesome blog like the ones on my sidebar, for every Amazon.com shopping cart full of cheap stuff, there is a child molester, a credit-card scammer, and a political blog.

I don't mean a political blog like mine, which I've been told is political but I don't know how political my hatred of leggings is. I mean one run by an actual politician's handlers, with "content" actually generated by the "candidate." From MySpace profiles with Hilary Clinton to Howard Dean's famous 2004 grassroots action, politicians are encroaching on what was once only a den of hipsters and perverts. And me.

I'm pretty sure I've discussed Mitt Romney's MySpace page before. However, KCee just alerted me to Five Brothers, which is Mitt Romney's progeny's home on the web. (Why they didn't name it Mitt Romney's Progeny is beyond me.) The Romneys, Mitt and Ann, and their boys Ben, Craig, Josh, Matt, and "Tagg" (I use air quotes because COME ON) write about their media appearances, Mitt's values-based campaign, and how tall they are. No. I'm not kidding.

OK, I admit that Matt and I are actually each 1/4" short of 6', but we've always felt better about rounding to the nearest inch. We don't know why the other 3 brothers got all the height, and we are definitely bitter about it.

Well, thanks, "Tagg." I'd be pissed if I weren't quite 6' and my name was Tagg Romney too.

Here's Ann Romney's attempt at a MySpace picture.


Mitt Romney also forces his children to hide their location from him.

As a high school and college student, my Dad developed a reputation for being a great practical joker. His sons have all heard the stories now dozens of times. Believe me, you don't want to get him started.

I had heard the stories so many times of funny things he did to relatives on their wedding days that I went to great lengths to conceal the location of our hotel reservations on our honeymoon. I actually made reservations at 2 separate hotels and left a confirmation letter I received from the second hotel somewhere I knew he'd find it. My wife thought I was crazy, but if you had heard the stories, believe me, you would have done the same thing.

Can you imagine if you were gay, young Tagg? First of all, your first name would be especially cruel given some of the potential rhymes. Also, you'd be trying to hide your legally acquired marriage license from your anti-gay father. "No, Dad, I married 'Roberta!' See? Here's the certificate! No, the 'a' isn't in my handwriting!"

You go to Mitt Romney's Progeny for the height/weight stats, and stay for the unbiased political commentary, replete with an Apprentice-level of sports metaphors.

Wow. Dad was awesome tonight. I know that I'm biased, but, come on, that was a clear win. He looked presidential, articulated a clear vision, and was able to showcase his strength and his grasp of the issues. He was himself and it came through.

In my opinion, it was a lot like the fundraising efforts of the first quarter. Some of the other candidates did a respectable job, but Mitt Romney brought an A game and knocked it out of the park. It's clear to me who the Republicans should want on the stage to debate Hillary or Obama if we want to win.

I really hate this "he looks presidential" argument. First of all, they all look presidential compared with the bumbling fool who currently occupies the office. Secondly, Hilary Clinton doesn't have a dick, and that's had a lot to do with "looking presidential" as well. I can see why we're on a looking presidential kick after the failed "he's an everyman!" experiment, but let's get someone who has an actual thought rattling around inside his or her head this time around. Mitt Romney doesn't follow his head, or even his little stone heart. He follows what he thinks will get him the most votes. Look at his record. He's vacillated so wildly in his opinions from election to election. It's clear that he's banking on looking and speaking smooth. And we've seen where that gets us.

I see why politicians use blogs and MySpace and all the "social computing" that businesses have yet to figure out. It's like kissing babies of people who don't yet have babies. It puts a politician on a human level and makes them relateable to the coveted and unpredictable younger voter. However, it also smacks of opportunism, which is what it really is. Instead of campaigning on ideas, Mitt, and, to be fair, the other candidates, hope to pick up votes by simply being themselves. It also allows someone else, namely Mitt's children, to do his relating for him. I mean, Chelsea Clinton doesn't have a blog extolling her mother's virtues.

So add Mitt Romney's waste into the cesspool of the internet. Try to stay on the other side of the bowl, folks.

Logic University

Well, this is pretty interesting. (Thanks to CO for the tip.)

Regent University School of Law, founded by televangelist Pat Robertson to provide "Christian leadership to change the world," has worked hard in its two-decade history to upgrade its reputation, fighting past years when a majority of its graduates couldn't pass the bar exam and leading up to recent victories over Ivy League teams in national law student competitions.

But even in its darker days, Regent has had no better friend than the Bush administration. Graduates of the law school have been among the most influential of the more than 150 Regent University alumni hired to federal government positions since President Bush took office in 2001, according to a university website. ...

"It used to be that high-level DOJ jobs were generally reserved for the best of the legal profession," wrote a contributor to The New Republic website . ". . . That a recent graduate of one of the very worst (and sketchiest) law schools with virtually no relevant experience could ascend to this position is a sure sign that there is something seriously wrong at the DOJ." ....

In a recent Regent law school newsletter, a 2004 graduate described being interviewed for a job as a trial attorney at the Justice Department's Civil Rights Division in October 2003. Asked to name the Supreme Court decision from the past 20 years with which he most disagreed, he cited Lawrence v. Texas, the ruling striking down a law against sodomy because it violated gay people's civil rights.

"When one of the interviewers agreed and said that decision in Lawrence was 'maddening,' I knew I correctly answered the question," wrote the Regent graduate . The administration hired him for the Civil Rights Division's housing section -- the only employment offer he received after graduation, he said.

First of all, Pat Robertson has a university? He started a university? Pat Robertson? I could see him opening a trade school in ripping off religious little old ladies, but an actual four-year degree university? Fascinating.

Once I get some money (I don't know how I'd do this since I am not down with taking money from old people to line my own pockets) I am going to start my own university, Logic University. In this school, it will be required that each class open with the ceremonial shotgunning of beer, followed by a cleansing belch. Logic U will teach students to apply logic to tricky moral and political issues so that everyone feels included in America, not just white conservative Christian males. Graduates of Logic U will work for the ACLU, Planned Parenthood, and various political campaigns.

Because if a "sketchy" law school has graduates working in the upper echelons of the Department of Justice, why shouldn't Logic University work its connections as well? All I need is one prominently placed alum of Logic U to change the laws on hiring to get my students into powerful positions in the government. Maybe Logic U will grant Barack Obama an honorary degree to curry his favor.

I know that a certain degree of favoring is going to happen in any administration, Democratic or Republican. Of course if Hillary or Barack become President (God, please) they're not going to staff their cabinets with Pat Robertson's graduates. It's the fact that the Bush administration is choosing less qualified candidates only because of their fundamentalist views that creeps me out. These people get hired because they disapprove of antiquated sodomy laws being struck down, not because they're well-versed in law.

We live in dark, dark times, people. Sanjaya is the least of our problems.

Ready to Back Down

While I was perusing Media Bistro this evening, I came across this article from the New York Times. This may be old news-- my Mom has the TV on QVC for 90% of our waking hours. Some of the stuff is starting to look good. Send help.

Anyway. The article I found says that Democrats are shunning a debate that was to be held by Fox News for the 2008 Presidential race.

But the reasons given for the cancellation — anger over comments about Barack Obama made the night before by Fox News chairman Roger Ailes — give short shrift to an ongoing online campaign by activists at MoveOn.org and by influential blogs like the Daily Kos to have candidates shun the Fox News Channel, which they accuse of being too conservative and too closely allied to the Republican Party. Fox News, which vehemently denies the charges of bias made by its critics, sees itself as the wounded bystander in a Democrat-versus-Democrat battle. ... One of the liberal antagonists to Fox, Matt Stoller, of the blog MyDD, said on Saturday, “The goal is not to get Democrats not to appear on Fox News.” Rather, he said, “the problem comes in validating Fox News as a legitimate news source.”

Now, I'm all about bashing Fox News. Don't get me wrong. When I see the doughy face of Hannity and/or Colmes, I develop hives. It is not my bag, just like the Colbert Report is not going to be the show of choice for a dyed-in-the-wool redstater. That's fine. God or Darwin or whomever made us all different so we don't die in a hail of meteors. Clearly, the Republicans have the keys to the fallout shelters, so some human life form will make it.

However, all that being said, Fox News is a news source, and not just because it has "news" in its name. Actual thinking human beings watch that channel to get news. It's true. I personally don't know any of these people, but what we liberals need to realize is that the world doesn't end in New York. In bars and restaurants and homes all across this country, people watch Fox News. Do most of the viewers watch it because Fox embraces their biases? Of course. But by ignoring Fox, the Democrats shut out voters who could potentially change their minds. Most voters are mad as hell with the Republicans because President Bush is running the party into the doldrums with his ill-advised plans. If a Democrat (God please, any one will do, send Kucinich if need be) gets into these homes and makes a point, a little cockroach of thought hatches in a voter's brain and maybe, just maybe, the cockroach will fall out of that voter's ear and push the lever for a Democrat next November.

I'm an optimist. I like to believe the best of humans, despite overwhelming evidence we're nothing but ill-mannered monkeys with nuclear weapons. I just want the political party I generally align myself with to grow a pair and fight on the enemy's turf. It would be like Martin Luther King Jr. organizing a bus boycott in New York City-- it doesn't do much to make you look strong if you're not risking anything.

To sum up: Sack up. Thanks.

It's Hard Out Here for a Mormon

Mitt Romney has had a crappy week. Early this week, his campaign forgot to empty their recycle bins and a PowerPoint presentation outlining his whole campaign plan was widely reported on. As the kids say, "Whoopsie."

As the Globe reported:

The plan, for instance, indicates that Romney will define himself in part by focusing on and highlighting enemies and adversaries, such common political targets as "jihadism," the "Washington establishment," and taxes, but also Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, "European-style socialism," and, specifically, France.

Something about that last bit just makes me giggle. What has France done to Mitt Romney that he just can't abide it? Do the French harbor al-Qaeda in barrels of wine? Is Mitt lactose-intolerant and can't bear to think of all the excellent formage he's missing out on at the hands of the fey French? Perhaps Mitt is a fan of the Muppets and hates the idea of Kermit's legs being snapped off for food. I mean, Jaques Chirac is perhaps the most fun name in politics to say aside from Tommy Thompson. I don't see what's wrong with France.

Today it's being reported that students at Regent College don't want Romney to speak at their school since his Mormonism clashes with the evangelical Christian background of the school. Now I wouldn't want Mitt Romney to speak at my commencement either, but that's because he's near the top of my political fecal roster. I don't see what the big whoop about his religious background is, but that's because I don't see what the big whoop about anybody's religious background is. If Romney's going to fail, which I think he will, I want him to fail on his own demerits and conspicuous political opportunism and not because his great-grandfather had two wives.

Friday Answers to Questions

Happy Friday, everyone. I hope your tailbones are all in tact after two days of commuting to work by opening your coat and sailing across the ice. I'm hopeful that Saturday will lead to some thawing because I don't think I can handle watching people run across glare ice to catch the T to work for another week. It's nerve-wracking. I guess the T is hoping some cracked-open skulls will melt the ice more effectively than hiring someone to clear platforms properly.

I know Mitt Romney announced his candidacy for president this week, but it's not like we didn't know it was coming. Whatever. He didn't announce his intentions here in Massachusetts, which is fine with me. I don't understand why his campaign HQ is in the North End when he's much more popular in the midwest. Does Mitt really like lasagna? He seems like more of a Swedish meatballs kind of guy to me. With buttered noodles. No sauce.

I am unnaturally excited to see Music and Lyrics tonight. It's like an overdose of cuteness with both Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore in one movie. They could put Hugh Grant in a movie where he just read the boxes of various cold cereals with an occasional "blimey" or stutter thrown in and I'd pay $10.50 to see it. Yes, I know I'm falling prey to a moneymaking machine and killing my brain. Whatever. Hugh Grant is so DREAMY.

One of the things I really enjoy about my blog is StatCounter. This handy little device tells me where my readers are, where they came from, and how many hits I get. The most fascinating aspect of this is the "keyword analysis" tab, which shows me what people Google to land on my little corner of the internet. Some of the items are downright nasty (involving wax and cooters, mainly), but most of my random hits come from some very specific terms. To make it easier on everyone, I'll just answer your questions now.

1. I don't know the truth behind any rumors about Maria Stephanos, including whether she's had a boob job or where she gets her clothes. Yes, I guess she's attractive. But I don't know the details of her life, her physique, or her anything for that matter.
2. I don't know who the people are in the new Rembrandt commercial. I was too busy imagining the eight-year-old detailing to a shrink in twenty years how her babysitter exposed her to a heavy make-out session. "And he pulled on her lip! It was frightening to me! I thought he was hurting her! I USED TO LIKE TOOTHPASTE ADS!" I think one of the entertainment shows like Access Hollywood or Extra had a piece on the "actors" in the commercial earlier this week. Check there. I believe they're Italian or Spanish.
3. Chikage Windler left Channel 7 in Boston in September of 2006. She's in Minnesota. See? She had bad hair, though she was lovely otherwise.
4. Todd Gross was fired from Channel 7 in Boston in a rather abrupt fashion, as rumor has it. He still broadcasts the weather on his website and has endorsed hummus. No, I'm not kidding. I will bet you $100 American dollars that Todd Gross' ringtone is "White and Nerdy."

No, my ringtone is not "White and Nerdy." It's currently "Any Way You Want It" by Journey.

Enjoy your weekend, folks. Resist the urge to buy cars this weekend, and instead have elaborate fantasies about what a President with an actual brain could do for us.

No Fortunate Son

Dear John Kerry,

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Everyone

Really, there wasn't much else J.K Swiftboat could do in this election's crowded field. Any good will Kerry regained after the 2004 election was swiftly squandered by his poor attempt at his best Jon Stewart impression this fall and immediate quarantine from the public eye during the heat of the midterm elections. Kerry makes a good senator and I don't think he's a bad guy, but he certainly is not a viable candidate for president in 2008.

I still don't have a horse in this race yet, which is fine since we have such a long way to go and last time I genuinely liked someone for the Democratic nomination he got blown out of the water before my state's primary. My early preference is for Hillary because she's a woman with experience in government, but I've got to get more familiar with her politics before I start looking for any bumper stickers.

In keeping with my bid to be Boston's poet laureate, a clerihew.

John F. Kerry
had very few states to carry
in 2004, he was shown the door
and shall aspire to be President nevermore.

The Lesser of Evils

Yesterday at lunch, I read an article in the Globe about conservative activist Brian Camenker and his mission to prove that Mitt Romney is not the conservative that he fancies himself, but is in fact the dreaded "flip-flopper." I've talked about Brian Camenker here before in less than flattering terms because his politics and mine certainly don't match up. Frankly, I think Brian Camenker is a bigot, as his record of bullying Macy's into removing a gay pride week display from their Downtown Crossing store last year, his petition to stop domestic partnership benefits, and his very questionable attempt to sit in on a gay rights celebration at Newton North High School illustrate. I'm sure lots of people agree with the guy, but I think he's a bigot with too much time on his hands. A coworker of mine came in while I was reading the article and told me that a friend of his had debated Camenker once on a radio program.

"About halfway through the debate, my friend realized that he was dealing with a person who would never listen to another person, ever, and that he was just talking at someone, not with someone."

But, as the article states, Brian Camenker hates Mitt Romney. Granted, he hates Mitt Romney for the exact opposite reasons that I do. I think Mitt Romney is a conservative moron. Mr. Camenker believes Mitt Romney isn't conservative enough a moron and wrote a report called "The Mitt Romney Deception" detailing Romney's previous close and cuddly relationship with gay rights activists and pro-choice groups in his now notorious Senate bid.

This leaves me with a very unsavory feeling. I disagree with Camenker's politics in just about every conceivable way, but I love that he's caused Mitt Romney to flip his coiffed lid about some jackoff with good research skills and a typewriter. I'm not the only one, either.

"I love it," said Marc Solomon, campaign director for the gay rights group MassEquality. "It's sort of ironic, but I think that in this case, Brian Camenker actually has a point, and I think that's the first time I've ever said that. He is highlighting Romney's just total political expediency on issues related to gays and lesbians."

I really dislike the term "flip-flop" because it makes light of the fact that people can change their views over time. But it's one thing to wish gay couples a happy gay pride week in one decade, and then cut funding to many gay rights groups in the next. It's like Mitt Romney was visited by three spirits that gay pride weekend to show him that if he continued down his liberal path he'd end up dead with people stealing his Aqua Net while cackling about what a liberal he was and he woke up determined to be as strict on individual liberty as possible. If it takes a bigot like Brian Camenker to bring Mitt down a few pegs, I guess I'll have to take it. The enemy of my enemy is my friend, I suppose, but I'm not going to buy him a beer or anything.

Baby, I Got Your Money

Now that Mitt Romney is no longer in our hair and we are no longer the liberal nits in his perfect coif, he is off to raise money for his futile bid to be America's next president. I am deeply sorry I missed watching Mitt leave more closely, but I was busy learning about meningitis in Rhode Island.

Sure, Mitt could go the normal route and host $500-a-plate dinners to come up with the $100,000,000 he thinks he needs to be a "serious contender" for the presidency. But since Mitt has proven himself an unconventional governor who loves poking fun at us Massholes, I'd like to give him some ideas that will hearken back to his time in Massachusetts and amuse the conservatives he'd like to court.

In a step that would remind us all of Mitt's saving the Olympics in Salt Lake City and his "expert" handling of the Big Dig collapse, he could arrange an event where prominent athletes run through a scale model of the Big Dig tunnel and try to avoid the falling concrete chunks. The folks at Bechtel would certainly be gracious enough to pay out $1000 to watch the races and eat some cheap hors d'oeuvres while laughing at that little hiccup in the system. Of course, this "concrete" would be plaster so nobody would actually die. This time.

Mitt could also get into merchandising. I'm thinking of a Monopoly-like board game where the players' main goal is to limit the rights of homosexual couples as much as possible. "Archdioceses of Boston does not allow gay couples to adopt. Move forward three spaces." "Legislature refuses to allow question on the ballot to ban gay marriage. Skip a turn." "Legislature pussies out and makes progress in putting measure on ballot. Pass go, burn a rainbow flag, collect 200 political points from straight couple in Nebraska who can now sleep at night knowing their marriage is safe."

Mitt could also hearken back to his horrendous record of abstinence-only/-also/-just shut up and don't fuck until you're married sex-ed with a line of babywear available at all Wal-Mart stores. Imagine a onsie that reads "My Momma Didn't Know Condoms Prevent Pregnancy" or "My Mom Didn't Know She Had a Choice" and maternity shirts that read "I Took Sex-Ed and All I Got Was This Lousy Fetus." The right-to-life folks would love those.

Feel free to take any of these ideas and run with them, Mitt. I wish you only the best.