Make me a Pie

As a rule, I try to avoid fights I can't win. In seventh grade, this girl Niki threatened she was going to kick my ass after I started talking smack about her. Since I had no doubt she'd succeed, I kept my big mouth shut until she calmed down and forgot my snide comments about her loose lips (and perhaps other applications of the word "loose"). In my adult years, I've learned I can't win some fights. My Mom is always going to be uncomfortable with homosexuality, Mitt Romney is still going to run for president no matter how many times I call him a little sissy boy (what did France do to him, I wonder?), and wingnuts are going to continue to be wingnuts no matter how liberally you apply logic to them. They just won't bend.

So of course, when I checked Universal Hub yesterday and saw that Celtics radio commentator Cedric Maxwell had taken issue with a female ref's call not by saying she'd made a bad call but by telling her to "get back in the kitchen" I had to get into it. Not only were the WEEI-wingnuts being referred to Universal Hub in droves, but they resorted to such wonderful ad hominem attacks on Adam Gaffin, who didn't even post the original writeup on the incident.

Of course, when I announced that Adam was my new platonic crush (the man is married!) and that Maxwell's argument was a "stupid fucking" argument, I got slammed too. Which is fine. Wingnuts are wont to do that. So here are my rebuttals to my detractors.

Detractor #1

Amy, Who was he arguing with? Or did you not hear the comments. There was no argument. In fact he said she was one of the better refs in the league after his mockery of Tommy Heinsohn. Also, I am very offended by your vulgar language. I do not find it funny. Anyone who agrees with me can be my platonic girlfriend.

While I appreciate the use of my own turn of phrase, Detractor #1 doesn't quite get my use of the word "argument." Just because nobody is yelling back at you like it's the Jerry Springer Show doesn't mean you're not making an argument by making a statement. Using the line of reason, "She made a bad call, she's a woman, she should get back into the kitchen and cook breakfast" is an argument. Not a strong or reasonable argument, but an argument nevertheless.

Also, I swear. I don't see what the big deal is about swearing on the internet. The well-spoken folks who came around to anonymously call the owner of the website were throwing around "pussy" like it was nothing. It must be because I'm a woman. Good thing I don't have any babies to kiss with this mouth, huh?

Detractor #2

You and adam deserve eachother. How about you stop making a big deal out of nothing?? Do you really think Max wants all women in the kitchen, did you even hear how he was imitating Tommy Heinsohn? Can you really be this dumb?

Well, I'm smart enough to find the space bar and shift key, hoss. I'd say I'm doing pretty well.

Detractor #3

It's not a "stupid fucking argument", there's no argument at all. It was a joke, you need to get over it. I bet if Dane Cook said it, you'd be eating up.

Nope. I hate Dane Cook with all the power of my soul. In fact, I hate all these comedians who are doing their best watered-down Bill Hicks or Chris Rock bits and fucking Jessica Simpson because of it. Bill Hicks swore a lot, yes, but he was also well-read, had good arguments for why he thought the way he did, and was actually funny.

And, to get to what (I think) was this guy's point-- yes, I laugh at women jokes in the right context. Cartman's "get in the kitchen and make me a pie" line to his mom is hilarious because Matt Parker and Trey Stone are making fun of jackholes who say these things by putting it in the mouth of this boy who doesn't know better. Grown men, like Maxwell and these anonymous internet boobs, should.

Detractor #4

You two should take a long walk off a short pier. Get a sense of humor you PC thugs! Maybe if someone gave you a proper seeing to every now and again you wouldn't be so bitter and miserable and quick to jump on these comments which mean absolutely nothing. Get bent the both of you.

I'm not about to burn my bra over what some radio broadcaster for the effing Celtics (sorry, kcee) has to say about women. However, this is not a something out of nothing situation. This guy said or repeated this "joke" about women when he'd just disparaged the female referee's call. Women, especially those in male-dominated fields, have to put up with a lot of bullshit just because they have vaginas and tits. I'm not saying this woman didn't make a bad call, but even joking that she did so because women belong in the kitchen and not in a sports arena is sexist. Sorry. Unless Maxwell is going to tell a male referee to "get back into your cubicle and be a wage slave to support your at-home wife" which is clunky and also not funny, it's going to upset my feminist sensibilities. It's the fact that Maxwell used this while he and the female ref were both on the clock. I don't tell my boss that she should get back in the kitchen because she didn't give me the raise I want because it's not appropriate in the workplace. Keep it to yourself.

Despite the fact that Maxwell apologized and now the issue's moot, I'm sure the argument will go on until this weekend over on Universal Hub, and I'm sure I'll be told that married Adam and I will be spending the rest of eternity in a humorless PC hell, while in heaven women wear aprons and serve their men while they watch Fear Factor and porn.