Public Transport Etiquette: Chapter One

Thanks to all for the apartment etiquette feedback. It's funny how kvetching about roommates can make one feel much better. Another aspect of urban living that desperately needs to be discussed is riding public transportation. Nobody looks forward to riding it, and if we could all live like J.Lo, we'd have perky round asses, many alimony payments and private cars/limos/rickshaws to bring us around. Sadly, we're all poor city dwellers and need ride the T system at least occasionally.
I enjoy the T. When I first moved to Boston it was a novelty. I liked trying all the different lines to see where I could go and hearing the drivers announce "Ahlington Street." Now it's become more of a chore since I need to fight the office drones who are desperate to enjoy the few hours that are theirs in a day and the out-of-town Red Sox fans who are convinced should they move two steps away from the doors they will be whisked away into oblivion and never able to return home.
My coworkers and I usually begin our days with a discussion of proper T etiquette and the freaks who completely don't understand it. I hope to get a commission from Mitt Romney to make a small pamphlet of about 100 pages to explain the rules of the T. Maybe people just need a refresher. Or maybe they were raised by monkeys. Either way, let's begin the lesson:

*It's OK to move away from the doors. You will not miss your stop should there be a crowd in front of you. Simply say "excuse me" and people will move. In four years of living in Boston I have missed a stop once because I was too far back, and that was because the jerk in front of me stood on the steps by the open door. "I thought you were just getting ready for the next stop," he said with a somewhat satisfied smile.

*Don't be an asshole and stand in the doors while people are trying to leave the train, then look happy when they miss their stop and are late to aerobics class. Jerk.

*Let old people and pregnant women sit. They are more tired/sore/unable to stand on the jerky train that your nimble young self. Even in the heels that give you blisters.

*Also offer your seat to young children (7 and under). They may sometimes decline, but perhaps the parent who has dragged them around the city all day may want to sit.

*Personal grooming ANYWHERE in public is a no-no, but is especially egregious when you're subjecting others to the smells and sounds of your beauty routine. Here are some particularly offensive behaviors:
*Clipping finger and toenails. Ew.
*Applying/Removing nail polish.
*Applying perfume
*Foundation/rouge/concealer/eyeshadow/mascara application all at once. Don't you people have homes? Do it there.
*Putting on mascara for FOUR stops. If you put on that much mascara it will look like you are shielding your eyes from a nuclear attack. Not very natural. (Thanks to Kerri for that story.)
*Shaving. Nobody wants to see you do it in your car, nobody who sits near you on the T wants to pick the hairs off their clothes all day.
*Using scissors to cut the peach-fuzz from your face. First it's creepy. Secondly, see above. (Thanks to Kendra.)

*Do not glare at people trying to move by you on a crowded train. One time I saw this fat guy was complaining because he was standing near the door and people were trying to disembark. If people cannot get by you, kindly move into the train, away from the door, or step out of the train and wait near the door until everyone who wants to get off is. Do not hurl obscenities and make like you are greatly inconvenienced. If you hate people, take a cab, fatty.

This is all I have for now. Again, please post any grievances here and I'll bring you along for the book signing.