My Apartment Smells of Rich Mahogany

I don't have cable. At all. Not even basic. This usually garners me a look like I just announced I have leprosy, but it's really okay 80% of the time. I get channel 4 if I bend the bunny ears right, and channel 7 is clear as day. The only cable shows I miss are Project Runway, America's Next Top Model (UPN/the CW is a no-go), the Stewart/Colbert Power Hour, and lazily watching the Food Network on weekends. And I sorely missed having cable when I was sick. I turned on channel 7 when I made the epic journey from my bed to my couch and left it on all day. And I was struck with one constant emotion.

I really, really, really hate Matt Lorch.

Not in a personal way, though I think if I knew him he'd bug me. But I really despise his style of anchoring. I hate the way he speaks, I hate his uber-gelled hair, I hate the fact that channel 7 canned Chris May to hire this Lorch fellow.

Per WHDH's website, Matt came from Miami, and that his style is impacted by that sensationalistic market. Channel 7 isn't PBS by any means, but I think New England's sensibilities are just about polar opposite from Miami's. We want someone to sit down, give us the news without a lot of attendant dramatics and flourishes. Matt Lorch is all about flourishes.

During the hubbub about the Amish school shooting last week, Matt Lorch was "on the scene" (read: standing by a monitor) to talk about how you can tell if any of your mild-mannered relatives is about to fly off the handle and commit a random act of violence. While the other reporters simply spoke, Lorch gesticulated toward the monitor, even though nothing was happening. Just a simple display that served to reinforce the points he was making. Lorch kept pointing at it. Dude. It's in the shot. I can see it. It's a bright red screen with yellow letters on it. I can see it. Just read.

Actually, don't read. It's hard to convey this in writing, but Lorch's voice gesticulates just as unnecessarily as his body does. "In the quiet Pennsylvania town of Nickel Mines, a horrible, terrible tragedy occurred yesterday." Lorch emphasizes just about every adjective in a sentence, and he sounds happy about every word he's reading, whether it's a tease about entertainment news or breaking news about a child being shot. All his sentences end with a brightening of tone. I was at the gym and watching some anchor banter between Lorch and Michelle King, and a sad story had just ended. "Boy, that sure is one sad story, huh, Michelle? Hopefully the weather isn't such a sad story, huh, Pete?" It took Michelle a moment to figure out the best way to react to his complete lack of genuine emotion about the story. Is Lorch autistic? I don't mean this in a mean way, but seriously. It's like he's completely lacking a capacity to empathize, which most people want in their news anchors. You're in New England, not Miami. Tone it down a little with the happy. We are earnest folks here, not happily skipping about in bikinis like they do on TV in Miami.

Also, before I was rendered useless by my cold last week, I was walking down Newbury Street and an attractive couple was walking towards me. I didn't really pay attention until I heard the woman's voice, and realized that it was Frances Rivera, who is Randy Price's new co-anchor. I turned around to confirm this visually. Gentlemen, let me clue you in. Frances Rivera is smokin' hot. Those suits they put her in don't do her justice. She was wearing a shirt that probably costs more than I make in a month, paired with tight jeans and tall boots. Her butt was fantastic. Well played, Ms. Rivera. Well-played. I may develop a bit of a girl-crush on you if you can manage to render Matt Lorch incapable of speech in some freak microphone cord accident.