Ikea-Related Dialogue

Scene: On the way to Newport Creamery after pizza at Papa Ginos. In the Forester, Amy at the wheel.

Kristen: What was in that pizza? I'm going freakin' nuts.
Amy: I don't know. Maybe it was laced with crack?
Kristen: Crack pizza.
Amy: Hee.
Kristen: Hee hee.
Amy: Hee hee hee.
(A pause)
Amy: We totally need to get out of this car.
(Amy's cell phone rings. She checks the caller ID.)
Amy: Holy christ. Did I call this? Didn't I tell you this would happen? As soon as I bought anything...
Kristen: It's the Whatever, huh?
(Amy opens the phone)
Amy: Hey, Whatever.
Whatever: Hey, Amy. How are you?
Amy: Good. Kristen and I are on a road trip of New England.
Whatever: Really? That's awesome. Where are you?
Amy: Well, we stopped at Kristen's parent's house Friday, went to Portland on Saturday, test drove some canoes, (laughing from Kristen and Amy) shopped all day today in North Conway, and now we're in Rhode Island. We're getting ice cream.
Whatever: That sounds like fun.
Amy: Yep. Totally is. Do you want to say hi to Kristen?
Whatever: Yes, er, actually, no. I'm calling because, well, I looked at it, and, I have to check something at work on Tuesday, but it appears that you owe me $166.78 for the car and hotel in Florida.
Amy: Um... (casts a glance in the backseat of the car where the LL Bean bag holding her coat is) well, I htmpafghrrgh, so I probably won't be able to get it to you right away, and it's really sassy, the red coat, and, er... what have you been up to this weekend?
Whatever: I've been here figuring out what you owe me!
Amy: Oooookaaay, then.
Whatever: Where are you guys going tomorrow?
Amy: We're going to Ikea.
Kristen: Where, I have heard told, you can get a coffee table for twenty four American dollars!
Whatever: Wow. Really? Twenty-four? Hmm...
Kristen: And shower curtains for four American dollars!
Whatever: Hmm.
Amy: If we see any great deals, do you want us to pick anything up for you?
Kristen: Only if the patina is right...
(Endless giggling from Kristen and Amy. The Whatever laughs, uncertain of what is funny. Amy and Kristen have arrived at the Newport Creamery, and begin to get out of the car.)
Amy: The stuff is really nice. It's particleboard, but it's classy particleboard.
Kristen: Burly men names Sven and Bjorn make the particleboard by pressing very hard with their hulking Swedish biceps.
(Laughing from Amy and Kristen.)
Whatever: What did she say?
Amy: She has a story in her mind that burly men named Sven make the particleboard by pushing it together with their biceps.
Whatever: Don't most of Kristen's stories involve burly men?
(Amy laughs hysterically, and has to explain to Kristen what the Whatever said since she was out of earshot.)
Amy: So is there anything you can think of that you need? Forks? Vases? Wrapping paper?
Whatever: I'm on the website right now, but I don't see anything that I need.
Amy: Well, call me if you change your mind. I'll buy it for you and take it off my tab.
Whatever: Okay. Well. I'll talk to you later.
Amy: Bye.

(The Varitek newsprint naughty bits happened during this phone call, but y'all know how that went down.)

In Which Kristen Assembles a Box
Scene: In the Forester, on the way back to Rhode Island after the visit to Ikea.

Kristen: Man, I'm bored. I need something to do. How long until we get there?
Amy: About an hour and a half.
Kristen: Okay. Oh, I know! I can assemble my boxes.
Amy: Okey-doke.
(Kristen rumages through her Ikea bag, and pulls out the boxes.)
Kristen: Now how do I do this. Okay, here's some instructions.
Amy: It says that you need a screwdriver.
Kristen: Bah! I mock their need for a screwdriver. I mock it! I need no screwdriver. Screwdrivers are for pussies. And I? Am no pussy.
Amy: O-kay. But look. There's a little man calling Ikea with the question that's in his thought bubble.
Kristen: That's Sven.
Amy: Where's Bjorn?
Kristen: He works at Ikea. He's in the building.
Amy: (in a bad Swedish accent) "Bjorn, how do I build zee box?"
Kristen: Hee.
Amy: How are you going to screw things in if you don't have a screwdriver?
Kristen: Hmm. Where are your keys?
Amy: In my bag, in the secret compartment.
Kristen: Okay. I shall use the keys. Now, let's see, it appears you screw this bolt into the nut--
Amy: Ha ha. Nut. I'm nine.
Kristen: --and then this folds into this. But I don't understand what this thing is. (Kristen holds up a long, rectangular piece of cardboard without any perforated holes to indicate a screw being placed through it.)
Amy: Maybe you put it in the corners. There's little holes there. Maybe that's to fill them in?
Kristen: Yeah, but it doesn't fit there. It kind of fits this way, but that doesn't make any sense.
Amy: I have no idea what that's for.
Kristen: Maybe it's just an extra piece? Like a patch for an inflatable pool?
Amy: Kristen, this is an Ikea box. The Swedes let nothing go to waste. Nothing! If it was just there, than they wouldn't do that because they could ship more boxes for less cost and it would be cheaper so that's not it.
Kristen: I don't think I need it.
Amy: That's your choice to make, I think.
Kristen: I'm making an executive decision. The little mystery thing isn't going in my box.
Amy: Hee hee hee.
Kristen: Oh, shut it.