My Thoughts On the Oscars

So my usual Sunday television watching was preempted by the Oscars. I tuned in around 8:30 because I was watching "My Girl" on HBO and sobbing openly on my uncomfortable couch. (Come on, the girl's best friend died. That shit is sad.) Once I dried my eyes, I figured Chris Rock would comfort me. Below you'll find my thoughts on the Oscars, in order but not in a well-thought out way.

Chris Rock: Heh heh. "Can you imagine if you're interviewing for a job, and there's a movie out about how much you suck at it?" (Referencing Bush and "Fahrenheit 9-11.")

Is Renee Zellweger the 3rd member of the White Stripes now? I hope not, because she sucks.

As much as people complain about him, I still like Robin Williams.

If I could look like any other person on this planet, I would choose to look like Cate Blanchett. She just looks like a movie star, and not the Paris Hilton kind of movie star. She is a classy movie star that Hollywood is sorely lacking. She played Katherine Hepburn in The Aviator, and it suits her. (I also find Katherine Hepburn especially classy in a spunky way, so her coolness has melded with Cate's and made Cate even classier by assoication. If that makes sense.)

Morgan Freeman can be my black grandpa, if he'd like. He's a classy, classy guy.

Fucking snow! Fuck you! Die! No more! Bite me, winter.

Chris Rock goes "Jaywalking" (ChrisRocking)? Awesome!

I hate that they're doing this whole "using the space" by having people pop out on balconies and in the aisles. It's the Oscars. Chris Rock hosting brings enough "flava" as it is. Don't confuse people by having presenters pop out like ghosts at a haunted house. 18-34 year olds can handle people coming from the wings.

Scarlett Johanssen will show up for anything if she gets to wear a new dress and talk. I'm surprised she didn't try to sell me some damn perfume while she was there.

Best Costumes:
Squee! Pierce Brosnan! His voice is deep AND scratchy! Hottt!

It makes sense that the woman (Sandy Powell) who's wearing the best outfit would win for best costumes.

Best Supporting Actress:
Cate Blanchett! Whoo! Katherine Hepburn AND Cate Blanchett, all in one. This rules. Queen Amidala is good in "Closer." I just hope she's not in any more Star Wars movies, because it makes me hate her.

Cate Blanchett! Whoo! She should have won Best Actress for "Elizabeth" but this is acceptable. (In related news, fuck you, Gwenyth Paltrow.) Damn, Cate is classy. Yellow is not her color, but it's a beautiful dress.

Oh for fuck's sake. Johnny Carson was a COMEDIAN. Do you think he'd want a schmoopy retrospective? Just play his damn jokes. Also, when he botches a joke, he has an eerie resemblance to Bush when he botches, well, anything that comes out of his mouth.

Best Documentary:
Oh shut UP, Leonardo DiCaprio. Maybe I'm not a girl, but I don't find him hot. I hope "Supersize Me" wins, because I love Morgan Spurlock. I love him down to his handlebar mustache. Sure, whatever, child rape. I want the French fry guy to win!

Dammit!

Film Editing:
Orlando Bloom is cute. Kirsten Dunst needs a better wig. It looks like something Natalie Portman wore in "Closer." Thus, a stripper wig.

Counting Crows! Whoo! It's better than Beyonce singing in French. I would, however, like to shave Adam Duritz's head right this second. I'm expecting nits to fly off his head every time he moves. If this were American Idol, they'd be telling Adam that he needs to figure out what to do with his hands while he sings. He's flailing his arms like he's a windmill.

Best Screenplay:
Oh Adam Sandler. Enjoy the stage at the Oscars, because it's probably the only time you'll be there.

Wow, books? Do people still read books? I sure hope so. Or, I can only hope to meet someone famous, write something and have them adapt it so I can make oodles of money for doing very little. Maybe I can borrow Cate Blanchett's dress and go to the Oscars someday.

Why is Scarlett Johnanssen wearing a damn tiara? It's not your bachelorette party, dumbass, it's the Oscars. I hope that's not from Claire's.

Best Visual Effects:
Jake Gyllenhaal! Call me! Dump the girl with the stripper wig and get with the girl with the redhead!

Dude, this part of the show sucks. "Special effects." "Costumes." "Best Catering." The only cool thing about this part of the show is that the people actually are excited to win instead of feeling entitled. "Hi Mom! I did it! I love my wife!" I'd love to hear Colin Farrell or whoever say that."Um, right. I'm famous, I deserve this, and thanks to my baby momma."

The President Guy. He always sucks. "Love the troops! We still love the troops! Go troops! When you come back to America, make sure to shell out $12 so you can keep watching 'Cribs' and be jealous of how little you still have." As I typed that last bit, he basically said that. Holy crap, I hate Hollywood.

Okay, I am no film major. I don't know many directors. Hitchcock, Eastwood, Spielberg. That's about all I know. I am going to get a glass of water now.

What the hell? Why is Beyonce the vocalist of the Oscars? Did Jay-Z rough up the Academy? Put her in some damn hot pants and have her sing "Soldier." Also, she is wearing the amount of money I will make in my entire lifetime around her neck right now. Wow. Was that the Jigga Man in the Phantom mask? Awww, Jay-Z loves her.

Best Live-Action Short:
Jeremy Irons� oh my. Huh. Hummana. He looks kind of like death here, but, um, damn. His voice is like Johnny Damon's biceps: large and powerful. I'd comment on this, but I'm too busy mopping drool off my shirt.

Best Animated Short:
Laura Linney! She's cool. She's no Jeremy Irons, but who is?
Where does one see these animated shorts? I have never seen them. I think the Coolidge Corner Theater plays them right before the Oscars. I would not pay $10 to see a "short."

Cinematography:
Kate Winslet! Work it, you human-sized starlet! I wouldn't mind looking like her either. She is also very classy and doesn't let people tell her she's fat or less of an actress because she eats. Also, she's a good actress. Who eats. It's all good.

My patience is nearly at an end. I wish they'd get to the good stuff. While some film geeks and complete Us Weekly fanatics will stay on until the end, I could be using this time for sleeping, assembling a bookshelf or reading a book. I like watching famous people in amazing dresses held in place with double-tape walk around and congratulate each other, but not enough to stay up past my bedtime. I haven't seen any of these movies, for the most part. I know these people from my roommate's People magazine.

Hee hee. "Four presenters: Penelope Cruz and Selma Hayak."

Sound mixing? We couldn't have done this before the broadcast? I'd love for one of these guys to whip it out right now to mess with the FCC.

Sound editing? Fuck off, Oscars. This is why people don't watch this show. Nobody cares about the sound except the sound editing people. I'm glad you're including them, but, for real? My bookshelf is waiting for me. It won't assemble itself.
This guy is really defensive about sound editing and mixing. Now I feel bad for dismissing his work. But the Oscars aren't doing well with sound since they cut these dudes off.

Oooh, another song! Uh-oh, it's in Spanish, isn't it? Is Beyonce tri-lingual? Marc Anthony can sing, as long as J.Lo is at home trying to find out when she's ovulating and there is NO danger of her popping out and singing now. Wait, that's not the guy she's married to. Who is that dude? Walls made of rocks are very tormented and Spanish. I saw some of Carlos Santana's shoes in a store once. Not his shoes in particular, but the shoes he designed. He also designs neckties for men. I wish I cared more about this. Spanish-speakers have had to sit through endless Sting songs during the Oscars, so I suppose it's only fair.

That M&M commercial is funny. The past two times I've been to the movies I had assholes talking through the WHOLE thing. When I saw "Closer" (a dialogue-heavy movie) a girl translated the ENTIRE movie to her boyfriend. She recited the WHOLE THING in Spanish for him. I nearly jumped back two rows and ripped out her larynx. Then when I saw "Hitch" four high school girls narrated the whole movie. "Awww snap, he just hit her in the head! You know what's going to happen? She's going to get mad at him, and she's going to..." This is why I don't see many movies. If they sold giant M&Ms to give assholes concussions, I'd totally go more.

Documentary Short:
Natalie Portman is cute. I don't really care that she applauds the nominees, though. I am sick of Hollywood stars trying to be political, especially when they're in shitty Star Wars movies. Tim Robbins gets a pass because he was awesome in "Mystic River." I also wouldn't pay $10 to see a documentary short. That means a huge dose of sadness in a short amount of time. Oscars, I am getting sleepy...

Heh. Oprah's favorite white man. John Kerry proposed to Oprah. Chris Rock is very funny. I hope Billy Crystal never comes back.

Best Score:
I think that Damien Rice's song "The Blower's Daughter" should be up for song of the year. It's not this category, and it wasn't made for the movie "Closer" but it's used so well in that movie and is such a good song. I have no comments. Goddamn, this is boring. I am glad that I'm home in my PJs and not trying to keep my boobs in a tight dress in person. No wonder people go out after the show and drink their faces off.

It's a movie, Martin. It's not the Dead Sea Scrolls, it's fucking "Bridget Jones� Diary 2." Bring on the people I've seen in Us Weekly before I decide to sleep in my bed instead of in this semi-catatonic state in front of my television. Is this a hospital for sick Hollywood stars? Or are they fixing movies? What the hell is going on?

What is up with Annette Benning's hair? It's a spiky mullet. Yikes. Oh, it's the dead people homage. I'm surprised Beyonce hasn't taken up the cello and done this part too. Hot pants and a cello. Holla at your girl; B!
I LOVE a Raisin in the Sun. Hooray for the director of that movie.
Jerry Orbach! Nobody puts Baby in a corner!
Superman! The Bates motel!
Marlon Brando. HOTT!
I sincerely hope that my images are not paraded on a big screen when I'm dead. It's kind of disconcerting to have your entire life remembered in a few frames of film on an awards show that is largely irrelevant. I don't want people thinking, "Oh yeah, that chick died this year. Bummer. Oh, I can whiten my teeth in a week?"

Diddy! Where's Ashton? I'm sorry, what? The Polar Express? Did he just say that's hip? Is Beyonce singing again? Chreeeist. And Josh Grobin? Does Jay-Z know about this? Where are Beyonce's backup singers, er, I mean Kelly and Michelle? Why do I feel like I'm watching an episode of American Idol? The cheesy background, the lame songs, the lame CHRISTMAS songs? In February? While I am sick of looking at her, Beyonce is hot. Girl's got some back, but not in a bad way. She looks healthy and wonderful. That song sucked, sorry.

Best Song:
Prince! That little man is so confident that nobody cares he's about 4' tall.
Sadly, he cannot speak Spanish, nor can he fake speaking Spanish. Purple rain! Let's go crazy! Let's get nuts!
That dude who wrote the song is hot.

Best Actress:
Sean Penn! Eeeee!
Jeremy Irons! Eeeee!
I need to see Maria Full of Grace. That girl kicked ass in the clip.
Hillary Swank is totally going to win. Also, I'd still do Clint Eastwood.
Kate Winslet! I need to see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind too.
Meh. Who'd have thought the girl I thought was cool in "The Next Karate Kid" would win two Oscars? She is prattling on. My computer is about to run out of battery, so I'm off to bed. Have fun, Hollywood, and I'll see you in a couple of weeks at the next awards show.