Breakaway

As much as I don't like having to come home to take care of my Mom, it's been nice to be away from Boston for a while. These two weeks have gone by fast, though I'm not sure how that happened. I feel like I sit around all day, cooking or doing laundry, then go to bed and get up and do it again. I know I have been busy-- yesterday I had to drive to Providence to pick up a hard copy of the prescription for my Mom's painkillers because CVS won't fill a pain medication from a faxed copy, which nobody told us until my Mom called yesterday-- but it's a different busy here. I've barely had any social interaction for the past two weeks. I did go to my old high school, which was actually kind of fun. I saw my old math teacher, whose kids I used to babysit when they were nine and seven. Now they are eighteen and sixteen. After I saw my math teacher, I wandered the hallways, looking into classrooms. I went into the auditorium where I spent most of my high school evenings and got choked up. It still smelled the same-- the smell of paint and fresh wood for sets. After my friend and I had dinner, I went to see my friend Amanda. Her friend Amy's staying with her for a while, so we headed up to a garage that Amy used to work at to hang with some mechanics, which was a great time. There were half-repaired cars everywhere that we had an impromptu photo shoot with. I got nice and drunk, then sobered up a little and headed home.

But now that I've got to run my final errands around here and start packing to head back to Boston, I realize I didn't get as much done as I wanted. I need to make a change in my life, and this is the best time. I don't have a lease, I don't have a family holding me to Boston, and I guess I've got the post-college itch. I'm not satisfied with my work, I'm not satisfied that I'm not writing more, I'm not satisfied that I have no money. I just feel worn down with how things are for me now. I'd hoped to make some kind of progress while I had two weeks without the 9-5 grind, but I feel just as stuck in the mud as I did a month ago. The people I babysit for are going to want me out of their house soon, and that means I'm going to have to commit to another apartment. Because I've got no new avenue for money I'm going to have to live in another roommate situation to afford anything, which I'd hoped to avoid. I loved living alone, but I know I can't afford it without a freelance gig or a retail gig, and I don't want to go back to retail. I'm twenty-five, almost twenty-six. I shouldn't need to live in a commune to be able to also afford food. Something's got to give.

Since yesterday, I've been really bummed out. I don't know why. I guess it's time to put my head down and run hard back into my life.