Monday, August 28, 2006

Promotions and Demotions

Dear Theo Epstein,

I think it's pretty clear this season is over for the Boston Red Sox. Half of our big names are injured, having heart palpitations, or just electing to suck. Most of the Boston media is aiming to have you run out of town in another novelty costume. Lucky for you, I have a solution.

Let's promote the minor leaguers to the major leagues.

Seriously. I was at the Futures at Fenway game on Saturday. It was fun and good times. Both the Lowell Spinners and the Pawtucket Red Sox won. The crowd heard "Dirty Water" twice. I don't think the major league players have heard that in quite some time. Saturday's weather was perfect for a baseball game, with the sun shining down like God's approval of a Papelbaby getting a save for the Spinners. Lenny DiNardo was distracted by his delight at his boy JT playing Avalon across the street, but he got it done. Nobody named Craig is allowed to pitch for the Paw Sox. Jeff Bailey: Call me.

It's probably a stupid idea. The Paw Sox are 13.5 games out of first place in their minor-league division, so they aren't tearing it up down at McCoy. But at times like these, why not try something crazy? People thought you were nuts for trading Nomar, and that turned out to be a good move. Why not have auditions for a major league force comprised of members of the Lowell Spinners, Portland Sea Dogs and the Pawtucket Red Sox? (No, Lenny, not auditions for American Idol.) Maybe it'll work. At the very least, it'll light a fire under the asses of the major leaguers to shape up. Gabe Kapler won't want to be resigned to Jager shots at the Kevin Millar Memorial Strip Club two blocks away from McCoy. He'll miss Zaftigs too much and start producing.

Anyway. You're welcome for the solution to our problems. Please be sure to genuflect when I walk by.


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