Friday, January 05, 2007

Fergilicious definition

There are many songs on my iPod that I have a hate-love relationship with. Some of you may recall my early dislike for Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack." However, after having it drilled into my head for a few weeks, it grew on me. Now it's totally my jam. On New Year's Eve, we all watched MTV 37 where they play actual music videos and "SexyBack" came on. That is a hot video. All us white dorks started getting down as JT shoved a Spanish actress onto a table and started taking off her clothes.

One song that I can't stand is the new song by Fergie, "Fergilicious." First of all, I do not understand the attraction men have to Fergie. If you ask just about any woman out there, they don't think Fergie is attractive, or will accurately call her a butterface. However, every guy I've dated or had a conversation with since the advent of miss Fergie-Ferg finds her unbearably hot. She's got a cute body, I guess, but her face is busted. I just don't see it. Even ignoring the fact that she's not that hot, "Fergilicious" is just some horrible songwriting.

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Not hot!


Fergalicious definition make them boys go loco
They want my treasure so they get their pleasures from my photo
You could see you, you can't squeeze me
I ain't easy, I ain't sleazy
I got reasons why I tease 'em
Boys just come and go like seasons

Fergalicious (Fergalicious)
But I ain't promiscuous
And if you was suspicious
All that **** is fictitious
I blow kisses (mmmwwahhh)
That puts them boys on rock, rock
And they be lining down the block just to watch what I got

That shit just doesn't make sense. What is putting boys on "rock rock" mean? She's so hot men start doing crack? She quit the rock not that long ago. You'd think she wouldn't want others to go through what she has.

However, this is pretty brilliant:

I'm Fergalicious (so delicious)
My body stay vicious
I be up in the gym just working on my fitness
He's my witness (oooh wee)
I put yo' boy on rock rock

I love that "up in the gym just workin' on my fitness" line. It's pretty funny. I think I'm going to sing it while I'm at the gym working off my holiday cookies.

With all that said, I cannot stop listening to this piece of shit song because it's just so deeply entwined with my semi-memories of Kerri's wedding. A mutual friend of ours, Jamie, loves cheesy pop like Gwen Stefani and Fergie. Since graduating from high school I've maybe seen her a couple of times, but in the past couple of months I've seen her several times and it's been good to catch up. I've found that since I'm much less miserable than I was in high school, Jamie brings out the silly dork in me. At the reception, Jamie and I gave the Groom the "Night at the Roxbury" treatment, which I generally don't do. At the bachelorette party, Jamie was excited to go out dancing and hear "Fergilicious."

"I hate that goddamn song," I said.

"Whaaaaat?" She replied, "that's a wicked good song."

After copious amounts of alcohol and the Bride and I getting the entire bachelorette party kicked out of a bar for knocking over a table, we went to the Fish Company in Providence where, finally, "Fergilicious" played. Jamie grabbed me, and we danced on risers with stripper poles. I think my dancing was pretty poor (which Jamie corroborates) but I do remember dancing to that song.

At the wedding reception, Fergie struck again. I think it played right after a slow song, which found my single guy friends and I hitting the bar for another drink, and the Bride ran back across the room in her big dress to dance with her sister. Watching a girl in a puffy dress get down to "Fergilicious" with her sister who's in seminary school was one of the funniest things I'd seen all weekend. Jamie ran out onto the dance floor in her bridesmaid dress and we reprived our dancing from the bachelorette party (but without the stripper poles). Even the Bride's six-year-old half-brother was getting down in his wifebeater and formal shoes to Fergie.

So, despite my best judgement to the contrary, I downloaded "Fergilicious." I know it's a piece of shit song, I know Fergie is busted (no matter what the men say), but I will always remember it as a big part of celebrating my friend's marriage. As long as this doesn't happen with anything by the Pussycat Dolls (which should have stopped when it was a burlesque troop because THEY AREN'T MUSIC ARTISTS!) I think I'll be okay.


beddie ell said...

you really are a dork.

did ya ever think that rocks are hard. "put them boys on rock rock might mean that Fergie gives boys boners.

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy, and yes, I agree with you completely. "Butterface." I use that to describe Fergie. She looks horrid. Her body's alright, yes, but -NOTHING- I'd go out of my way for. And no, she doesn't put me on "rock, rock." In fact, I'm sure I've lost a few centimeters, thanks to Fergie.

Anyway, I love your writing. Fucking hilarious. And I love that song. The beat. That's all.

Fergie-- what a ****ing joke.

-Anonymity Man