Thursday, May 03, 2007


Dear Chew Tobacco Aficionado,

It was a beautiful night for baseball, wasn't it? Birds in the sky, kids delirious from staying up past nine on a school night, drunk girls dancing around on their seats. I imagine you, as a chaw aficionado, were inspired to make like Boston's nine men and chew a little dried leafy goodness at America's Most Beloved Ballpark. Who am I to stop you? (However, you may want to imagine what your face is going to look like after a lifetime of chewing on that shit. You're welcome.)

Also, dear sir or madam, I was also excited to watch Manny's bomb head clear over the monster. I had a great view in some prime logue seats on the third baseline. I got to say hello to Manny and Mike Lowell all night. I got to duck when foul balls came screaming toward me. My friend A nearly felt her heart jump out of her mouth after a couple doozies. After that first inning horror show, I was glad we managed to eek out a win. Go Sox.

I was not glad, however, when, in the ensuing pandemonium after Manny's second home run, you either threw or dropped your drained plastic beer cup that was filled with your spit, leafy remnants of chaw, and sunflower seed shells between A and I. Your cup hit the seat, then the spit-tobacco-seed goo hit my chair, A's coat, and a few drops on her face. It was the baseball equivalent of the dirty bomb. We missed the last half-inning because your nasty habit had us in the bathroom wiping your spit off of my friend with damp paper towels.

While I know Fenway isn't exactly high tea with the Queen, there are still some rules of decorum that keep the experience fun for all of us. You clearly made no attempt to dispose of your chew remnants in a sanitary way. If you had, the goo would have been in a resealable plastic bottle of some kind, thus just being a minor annoyance and not germ warfare.

So next time you want to engage in your vice, please do so in a manner that isn't so fucking disgusting. And for the love of God, don't throw your spit around the stands.

Spittle-Bombed Girls

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I agree with you, chew is disgusting, but if you knew anything about the NBL rules you would know that we no longer are permitted to chew tobacco at the games as players. What we are "chewing" is double bubble and sunflower seeds. Most of the guys have nothing to do with tobacco products. Oh an ocassional cigar now and then, but rarely more.
thanks for a great year,
David Ortiz