Wednesday, September 07, 2005

New Job

I think I have found my true calling, y'all. I'm going to be on the Supreme Court.
The article above quotes President Bush as declaring the list of nominees for the Supreme Court as "wide open." Some may interpret this as a call for people with actual law experience to apply/start with the sycophantry. I believe that the President is modeling his next nominee for the Supreme Court after his own ascendancy to the presidency-- someone with tangentially related experience and a lot of connections can be called an "outsider" and get the job. Granted, I don't have a ton of connections, but if we're all separated from everyone else by six people, I'm sure I can find a way in. So, in preparation for this event, let me prepare my elevator speech.
Hi, my name is Amy, and I believe I should be a justice on the Supreme Court of the United States of America. Why are you laughing? I have a degree. A bachelor's. Of arts. No, I didn't go to law school after that. But I did take a class on the U.S. Constitution with Mike Brown at Emerson, and let me tell you, that gave me quite an education. It was the only "C" I ever got in college. But I learned from my mistakes. If the President can blow lines of coke while he's supposed to be fighting a war and can then become president and declare a war, why can't I get a C in a class on the constitution and then be nominated to the highest court in the country? I'd be coming from nothing and making something of myself. And isn't this the kind of person Americans want in their government these days?
I don't have a scandalous background-- I never had an abortion, never staged a political rally (unless you count the petition I circulated in 4th grade to get ice cream sold on a daily basis instead of once a week), I engage in only the mildest of kinky sexual activity. I don't have a mistress or any incriminating documents condemning abortion or women who have abortions-- if anything, I'd say I embrace the right to choose. I know this won't play well in the red states, but... self-made woman! Educated! Pulled up by my lower-middle-class bootstraps! Hillary Clinton and I will have a great relationship. We will go to Chippendale's and laugh about Bill's philandering and Antonin Scalia's stash of little blue pills.
I also think I'm good at dispensing justice. The kids I babysit for will fight and I can usually solve the problem. "You guys need to stop fighting." "But I want to play Go Fish and he wants to play Old Maid." "Why don't you just take a bath and get ready for bed?" "Okay!" The solution would work for adult problems as well.
"Abortion should be a state's rights issue!" "The federal government needs to protect the right of all women to choose!" "Why don't you guys talk this out yourselves? If you need a time-out to think about what you've done, I'll send the states back home and the government to it's room. Let's have a beer."
So, I'd like you to consider me as a candidate for the judiciary. I think I would lend an air of fun to the proceedings. It would be like a reality comedy, much in the vein of Head of State. Except more "nerdy white girl" and less "zany black guy."
This is SO going to work.

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