Girl Gone Wild

I hit a new low this weekend.
It was supposed to be fun. The Whatever's friend was supposed to come visit from the wilds of Maine, Kristen was having a birthday celebration that I'd bought a beautiful dress for, and I was looking forward to it. Instead, I'm covered in bruises, cuts, and barely been able to stand being in my own head since Saturday around midnight.
The Whatever's friend didn't come down for some reason, so we went to bed around eight-thirty on Friday. Lame, yes, but it was good to sleep and not go outside since it was so cold. We got into an argument about money, which we tend to do, before bed. So I was upset, and I let it build up. Then we were running late to get ready for the party on Saturday, so I didn't have as much time as I'd wanted to shower and get ready. I wanted to give myself a mask treatment, get my toenails into better shape for my new open-toed shoes. But we stopped at Sears to try to return some clothes the Whatever had worn and they wouldn't take them back, so we had to figure out a solution. By the time we got to my apartment, an hour after I'd wanted to get there, my mood was really foul. We got to the North End, managed to find the restaurant, my shoes cutting into my heels, and had dinner. I enjoyed talking to everyone and was starting to feel better. Then we went to Annette's house for a party. I was still having fun, talking to Beth's FH. Then Sebastian pointed out that my foot was bleeding. And I lost it.
I was crying and hysterical. And then I started yelling at the Whatever. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was horrible. I tried to go home alone, stumbling from the alcohol and my uncomfortable shoes. I know I told him to leave me alone. I have never been as out of control as I was then. It felt like what I imagine insanity to feel like-- words were coming out of my mouth that I had no control over. I apologized to Kristen for ruining her party. The Whatever brought me home, and when I was crossing Beacon Street from the T I fell down, bruising my knee and elbow. I remember the Whatever putting rubbing alcohol on my knee, and crying and saying how horrible a person I am. My roommate came in to check on me and the Whatever sent her away. The next morning she said I was crying so hard she thought I'd been raped. I remember telling the Whatever I was sorry, and then I don't remember anything until I woke up at 4am, alone. I felt completely alone, and not just because he wasn't with me. I checked my phone, and the Whatever had left me a message saying he'd call me in the morning, and that he loved me. I sent him a few messages, and he replied to a couple. Then I called him at 11, and he said he'd call me when he woke up. When five rolled around, I called him again.
I don't know what's going to happen. He's got to think, and I don't blame him. I acted like a complete ass. I let everything build up instead of talking to him calmly, and lost it at the worst possible time and place. I don't want to lose him, especially if it's because I behaved like an infant. He's always been wary of my temper, and I just proved him right to be. I just wonder if I'm going to push the self-destruct button on every relationship I'm ever in. It seems likely. The Whatever is the first one I call when something good or bad happens, and it's horrible to know he's not there for me now. He told me to call Kristen, call Alicia, call my Mom. And that he loves me, and would call me "one of these days."
Alicia called me back and said she'd be over in a while. I then called my Mom, who was, as always, calm and rational. She listened to me sob and sniffle into the phone as I explained what happened.
"Well, the drinking was a bad idea, of course. And don't you have PMS right now too?"
"Yeah," I sniffled pathetically.
"Oh man. You were upset, you drank too much, and your hormones were out of control. It was the perfect storm."
She wished me good luck, and told me she was happy I'm coming home for Thanksgiving. "So I can give you hugs. I'm also going to need you to vacuum and help me put my new electric blanket on my bed."
Life goes on.
Alicia showed up a few minutes later, and she gave me a hug as I cried on her shoulder. We leafed through my roommate's People magazine with Matthew McConaughey on it and had a debate about his hotness (Alicia's standpoint) and non-hotness (my view). It was weird, but I felt much better just having Alicia talk about what she got her dad for Christmas instead of sitting and watching VH1 all day like I had been. She told me I'd be fine no matter what happens, which is true. I just want to be fine with the Whatever and not without him.
Thanks to everyone who listened to me bawl yesterday, deprived of sleep, hungover and upset. Thanks to Deb for buying pizza and diet Coke and Alicia for the desert yesterday. And, if he's reading this for some reason, to the Whatever for bringing my belligerent drunk ass home safely.