Friday, June 01, 2007

It Would Be Okay on Any Other Day


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What are you so happy about? Apparently, you suck.
"This is unbelievably lame," Copeland wrote of Wednesday's show at the GM Place arena. "We are the mighty Police and we are totally at sea."

What the hell kind of musicians are you? I can't play a kazoo and I know that if you flub a song, you play it off and keep going, and you certainly don't write about how badly you sucked on the internet. And I don't want to hear this news of you giggling like schoolgirls backstage after your mistakes. I waited outside for hours in February in Boston to get tickets to your show in July. I want you guys to effing rock. I want Sting throwing hissy fits and digging up the sod at Fenway to spite everyone. I want you to fight about the drum machine. I was just a wee little child when you were in your heyday. Now that I'm old enough to appreciate your bitchery and the genius music it made, I expect you to behave like the juveniles you were when you made it. Sack up.

Though I will admit I am digging your set list.

"Message in a Bottle"
"Synchronicity II"
"Don't Stand So Close to Me"
"Voices Inside My Head"/"When the World Is Running Down, You Make the Best of What's Still Around"
"Spirits in the Material World"
"Driven to Tears"
"Walking on the Moon"
"Truth Hits Everybody"
"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"
"Wrapped Around Your Finger"
"The Bed's Too Big Without You"
"Murder by Numbers"
"De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da"
"Invisible Sun"
"Walking in Your Footsteps"
"Can't Stand Losing You"
"King of Pain"
"So Lonely"
"Every Breath You Take"
"Next to You"

All I would add to this list off the top of my head is "I Burn for You" because it's hot and "Born in the '50s" because it is awesome. But aside from that, I like your plan. Now you just need to get out and execute. Don't make me come back there and do the junior high school drama start. You know how it goes. "Stuart, did Sting tell you that he thought you totally sucked balls on 'Can't Stand Losing You'? No? Oh. Well. Don't tell him I told you." "Sting, Andy said that you should retire that piece of shit bass guitar you've been playing since the Reagan administration. Ooops. I wasn't supposed to tell you that."

You've got less than two months until you perform for my birthday. (So I'm telling myself.) Get it together.


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