Saturday, June 04, 2005

Another White Dash

Just got back from my trip South with my Mom. Both of us are tired, but in high spirits. I think I have carpal tunnel from holding the steering wheel for 900 miles. A new and oddly placed callous cropped up on my foot where my flip-flop rubbed when I accelerated. We didn't do as much as I would have liked (limited by time and my mother's arthritis) but we saw a great deal. I hope to write something more articulate when I haven't been in a car for 12 hours, but here are some initial thoughts.

  • New England needs to get better with their rest stops. Some of the fabulous rest areas/service plazas of the mid-Atlantic states are inspirational. Rest stops in New England seem like places where sexual predators lurk in wait for you. The places in New Jersey seem like bustling hubs of commerce. People pee. People buy more drinks. People buy "Jersey Girl" shot glasses. People learn about famous New Jersians. In New England, you get a seedy McDonalds employee saying "I'll give you sumthin' to remember Connecticut by, baby. Here's my number."
  • I love living in New England. I love that people are into healthy food and not frying all of God's creatures and serving them with fries. I love that people don't swat their kids in public. I love that people here don't get into a hot tub and moan rapturously, "Thank the LORD" in a way that leads you to believe that she thinks God is actually logging a call from Housewife en route from Pennsylvania to South Carolina thanking Him for the mediocre hot tub in a skeezy Holiday Inn. I love our Godless people who take the Lord's name in vain more than they take Tylenol at the thought of traffic.
  • As much as I am captivated by New York City and as much as I'm looking forward to visiting in a couple weeks, I am so glad I don't live there. After spending about 2 hours in traffic on the Cross-Bronx Expressway and/or the George Washington Bridge, I'll take a backup on Storrow Drive any day. I don't think that humans are meant to live in apartment buildings that huge in such a small place. It's a fascinating place, New York. But that dirty water calls to me every time.
  • Washington, DC is the saddest place I've ever been.
  • Ponderosa kind of sucks. But anyplace where I can eat unlimited corn isn't so bad.
  • As much as I complain about being pudgy, it's really not so bad in the grand scheme of overweight people in this country.
  • Whenever an IKEA crosses the horizon, I will freak out, clasp my hands, and squeal.
  • Fuck toll roads.
  • Fuck toll bridges.
  • Fuck inexplicable traffic in Bumblefuddle, MD.
  • I have learned that the sense-of-direction gene is on the father's side. My mother sat in the passenger seat for 900 miles, clasping the door and wondering how I knew where I was anytime we came to any split or exited the highway. "You're so good," she'd say, patting my shoulder. While it's a small thing, it's always good to hear your Mom say you're skilled at something.
With that, I must go to bed so I am ready to (hopefully) get to the beach tomorrow since it's allegedly going to be fantastic.

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