Thursday, June 30, 2005

Dirty, Dirty Water

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Yeah, I'm confused too, Bronson.
Please tell me this was a hallucination brought on by the state of Georgia and too many generic Robitussin capsules. (ETA: Link doesn't work. Crap. It can be found on It is a video for Bronson's version of "Dirty Water.")
Other than giving me the shivers because BroYo sounds exactly like the dude from Creed, there's just something wrong here. First of all, what? Dude, you play baseball. Why do you have to pull a Diddy and have three thousand careers that will make you oodles of money? It's like musicians becoming children's book authors. People, you're already famous. Give the rest of us a shot at glory. Also, you sound like Creed.
And Johnny Damon does not need another platform with which to pimp himself. I'm surprised Michelle didn't show up to hand out lemonade to Bronson and Youks while offering the guy with the Rip van Winkle beard some grooming tips. So now Johnny's got a book, a Sprint commercial, a movie cameo, a few magazine covers, AND a music video under his belt. Next thing you know we'll be seeing the Johnny Damon Home Highlighting Kit on the QVC. "It is a really great way to make your hair look awesome, much like mine is. If you order now, you will also receive a complimentary copy of Bronson's CD and a Theo Epstein Home Bondage For Beginners Kit. Both are awesome like my hair is."
I also think Bronson put Youks in the video to try and land him some dates. "Yeah, Kevin, you can totally be in my video. You stand next to Johnny and try to reflect his handsomeness like the moon reflects the sun. Say some cute things. Smile. The girls who I reject because I'm married will totally call you."
Bronson, don't make me lecture you like I did Johnny at the beginning of the season. I don't want you distracted by your other careers. Do you know why Diddy's music sucks? Because he's too busy making overpriced hoodies, crappy R&B groups and babies to focus. You need to focus on what got you in the door, buddy. Pitching. Remember? Throw the ball so the other team can't hit it? Do that. Let Sting or Bright Eyes do the music.

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