Holmesly

Okay. I watch Dawson's Creek reruns from time to time. I watched maybe two episodes when it was on the WB or whichever teen network it ran on. This show confounds me-- no teenagers can express their thoughts as eloquently as those kids can. I was a fairly wordy kid with a good vocabulary since I'm a book snake, so voracious is my appetite for reading (see?), but when I got upset elocution went out the window and I was reduced to the seven words you can't say on television in various combinations. I still do, as evidenced by my real-estate post. When I calm down, I can express it. But until then, watch out, motherfucker.

Anyway. Aside from the vocabulary on that show, I had major problems with the Joey Potter character. I didn't get why all these guys were nuts about her. She's skinny, but she's average-looking and kind of cross-eyed. I don't know why she ends up on these "sexy women" countdowns on VH1. Yes, she's not unattractive, but I don't get "sexy." I get "cute." And as a woman who relies more on cute and dorky than being a sex bomb, I can relate to this. But the show treated her like a sex-kitten. No. Michelle Williams' character was sexy. Joey was a sniveling mess who could expertly deploy doe-eyes.

I saw Thank You for Smoking on Sunday, and it was a fairly funny movie. I think it could have been a little better, but watching Aaron Eckhart for a couple hours didn't ruin my weekend. What took me right out of the movie was Katie Holmes' character. She was decribed no fewer than five times as "sexy" and having "great tits."

Cut to a shot of Katie Holmes, who has Joey Potter hair and makeup, and is wearing a blazer that appears to be two sizes too big and ten years too old for her. Not a shadow of cleavage on display. I can't see anything but a horrible rose-colored blazer that Blanche on Golden Girls would have worn. I can only see Joey Potter sitting in a fancy restaurant to talk to a man who could be her father. Ew. I can't believe for one second that the uber-charming Nick Naylor would fall for this person. She screams easy to manipulate, and Tom Cruise isn't even anywhere near her.

Almost any other actress could have played this part better than Holmes. Michelle Williams comes to mind. She has great tits, and can use sex appeal. If we're branching out from the Dawson's Creek alumni, Scarlet Johansson could have done it. Hell, Lindsay Lohan could have done it. Even before Tom Cruise attached her to a sonogram machine, Katie Holmes didn't seem to be able to manage or muster up her sexuality in the way this part required.

So, Hollywood, take note. Katie Holmes is not sexy. Katie Holmes still looks like she's in high school. I know that she's a go-to girl for the Lolita/nymphet roles, but Thank You for Smoking was not it.