"Why Can't You..."

"...come when I fuck you?"

(In case it's not clear, frank sexual content. Steer clear coworkers/family members. You were warned.)

This is the question Margaret Cho's boyfriend poses to her, which she relates in one of the funniest bits of hers I've heard. Marianne played this for me a few months ago, and it rang all too true for me. The dull, bored tone that the question is asked in. "Why can't you cooooooome when I fuck you?" If you've ever had a partner who treats you like a Domino's pizza delivery (if it's not there in fifteen minutes or less, he crashes on the couch and whines) the whole bit is funny while being completely disconcerting. In this age of instant gratification, overnight shipping, and in by 9 out by 5 dry cleaning, is there any lover who takes their time anymore?

I was reminded of this Margaret Cho bit last night at the gym while I watched a piece on Channel 7 (shut up, I was waiting for Pete Bouchard) about female sexual dysfunction. In it, Rosalyn Adams, a woman in her late sixties with horrible makeup and an unappealing southern twang, discusses her problems with having an orgasm.

Married just 2 years, Rosalyn Adams says she lost all interest.
Rosalyn Adams: "One of the main things that I had was having trouble with orgasm."
Rosalyn says she found a sexual solution, not from a drug, but an over the counter oil called Zestra.

Okay, Roz. Good on you for being able to so frankly discuss your sexual issues on television. Seriously. I think a lot of women are socialized to not talk about sex, not discuss problems or things they'd prefer with the men in their lives, or with anyone. As women, there's still a stigma against wanting to get your rocks off just as much as a guy does. It's changing, finally, but women have to make noise about their problems.

However, I think ol' Roz's problem may be the old "Why can't you coooome..." problem. Later in the piece, the reporter says that the oil that Rosalyn used, Zestra, works in three minutes. Zestra works by increasing blood flow, so it's basically an oil you rub on your lady bits. Immediately after the whole "three minutes" intro, Rosalyn says, "That would be probably the biggest thing relief and also surprise that something that simple could solve the issue."

Something about this piece made me angry. Many women do have legitimate sexual dysfunction. Maybe they were raped, or abused, or brought up Catholic and taught that sex is a necessary evil and used only for procreation and not enjoyment. I think women are much more affected sexually by extraneous factors than men are. I know if I'm angry with someone I'm sleeping with, I am probably not going to have an easy time. If I am worried about something, I'm not paying as much attention. But the idea that an oil rubbed on my bits can allow a guy to wham-bam-thank you m'am me isn't helpful. Why can't we slow down? Why can't we enjoy sexual activity for more than twenty minutes at a time? The whole tone of the piece is that this oil allows everyone to leave happy in the shortest amount of time possible. This quote from the doctor running trials on the oil is probably what does it:

Dr. Andre Guay/ Lahey Clinic: "They said it's decreased their arousal time. A lot of women complain it takes an awful long time to begin arousal and have orgasms and it's markedly decreased."

We complain because a lot of guys don't get how women work sexually. I've explained it to guys I've been with, and they just expect I should be "like other girls." Well, you're not with those other girls now, are you? Right now, you are with me, and I am telling you what I want from you. You cannot kiss me for two minutes and expect me to be trembling with desire. It's not that easy. I am not saying that Rosalyn's problem is her husband. I do believe that movies and television show sex as this act that should overpower us so quickly, that it should be as easy as fucking a woman until she comes. Most women don't get off that way. Most of us need foreplay, touching, et cetera, before we come. Before you invest in some oils that may cause the cryptic and painful sounding "minor skin irritations," perhaps you should listen to your partner or ask her what she'd like from you. We're game. We like orgasms just as much as you. Switch it up a little and see how your lady responds. And take your time for the love of God. Sex stays hot no matter how long it takes to get there when it's done right. Save the whining and frustration for the Domino's guy who's running late.