Missives

Or, I'm still too lazy to collect my thoughts for a whole post.

Dear Yasmin,

Thanks for keeping me from having any baby Amys before I am ready. You keep my skin clear, my periods relatively light, and my cramps from flooring me. However, I have gotten the notice that I skipped one too many periods in the past few months. Tomorrow I'll start the white pills. So if you could stop with the pre-cramp cramps, spotting, breast tenderness, and homicidal hormone rages, I'd love it.

Kthx,
Amy


Dear MBTA,
It should not take me an hour and twenty goddamn minutes to go from Somerville to Addis in the South End. Also, if a green line train is at Park Steet and there's a disabled car at Boylston, could you maybe make an announcement before the train pulls twenty feet into the tunnel and stops for fifteen minutes? I could have walked faster and would have relished the opportunity to know ahead of time.

GFY,
Amy


Dear Visa,

Any time you want to forgive my debts, I'd be happy.

Begging,
Amy


Dear God,
I know I've had a lot of good fortune in the past few months, and for that I'm very grateful. However, if I could ask just one more favor of you. I'd really like if you could have the weather be nice next weekend. It's my birthday, and I want to sit on the beach and fry myself. I am also seeing the Police and would prefer not to get soaked while doing so. Sting won't do me if I look like a wet cat.
Oh, and please don't let me get in any accidents or develop any illnesses until I get my health insurance.

Love,
Amy


Dear Body,

You've been working out consistently for a month now. Could you maybe do me a favor and lose five pounds? For fuck's sake.

Yours,
Amy