Friday, March 25, 2005

Bad Parenting

Not only will Paris Hilton suck you off on camera, she'll also make over your teenage daughter.
I know some people like Paris Hilton. Not in the "wow, she's such a humanitarian" way, but in the "wow, she screws guys on camera" kind of way. My former whatever-he-was looked at me like I'd said I thought George Bush was a hottie when I said that I found Paris Hilton repulsive.
"You're a girl," he said. "And girls don't understand what hot girls look like."
I feel like I have a grasp on female attractiveness. I know what girls have to do to get their tummies tight, to keep the hair from growing in unsavory places, how they have to be careful with their hair. I do not find Paris Hilton attractive. Angelina Jolie? I get that. Jennifer Lopez? I kind of get that. Paris Hilton? No, I don't get it. She's skinny and blonde, but there's just something about her that turns me off. I think she assumes that everyone thinks she's hot and she doesn't have to try. She paints her skin a shade lighter than a jack-o-lantern, dyes her hair blonde, puts her contacts in and goes out in some ridiculous outfit.
Maybe I'm a prude, but I don't think a sixteen year-old girl should walk around looking like this. She should wait to get to college like my peers did. I'd also be afraid to get that close to Paris, since she oozes STDs in the same way that Tara Reid does. I mean, good for her. Paris is famous for doing nothing of consequence in the world. At least Jennifer Lopez can make a catchy pop song. Angelina Jolie adopts babies and helps impoverished nations. Paris Hiton makes "movies" with her boyfriends then cries foul when he tries to sell the tapes. Shut up, Paris. Go cry in the piles of your daddy's money and leave the teenagers alone.
Don't even get me going on the mothers of these children. Back in my day (which I'm aware wasn't that long ago) my mother wouldn't let me leave the house in my Tori Amos t-shirt because it had a phallic mushroom on the back of it. My mother wouldn't allow me to watch MTV because she figured I'd learn how to be a whore if I watched a couple Janet Jackson videos. I think if my mother were raising me now her head would explode, and she most certainly would not have allowed me to be made over by, let's face it, an heiress porn star.
"Hey Mom! A casting agent was at school today, and he wants me to be on a TV show!"
"Wow, honey, that's great. What's it about?"
"Paris Hilton is going to buy me some clothes!"
"That stanky girl on FOX? I don't think so. What about that nice Simpson girl? Can't she buy you some clothes?"
"Mom, this is so unfair! All the guys would totally love me if Paris made me over. She's so hot!"
"I don't think so. Now go do your homework."
"You're so unfair. Jessica's Mom is going to let her, why can't I?"
"Jessica's mother also just got out of rehab, Amy. Do your homework before I ground you for being an idiot."

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