Monday, August 22, 2005

On the Wild Side

Image hosted by
Fair warning to family/coworkers/people who hate the word "cooter"-- this will be squicky.
I am not a girly-girl. Yes, I wear skirts and eyeshadow and hate to dispose of dead rodents. But when it comes to knowing what eyeshadow is in during any given season, what "season" I am, and how to skillfully apply blush I am lost. I subscribe to Cosmo, I have friends who are girly who I try to emulate, but I just can't manage it. My eyeliner is always too heavy or misplaced, my mascara clumps, my hair frizzes. I try, but I can't do it. I just can't make myself care that much.
The one thing I do hate that girly-girls hate is body hair. I'm lucky-- my friend Christine says it's because I'm a good German girl, but my hair isn't that dark. I don't need to bleach my upper lip, I don't need to shave my upper thighs every time I step into a bathing suit. But the hair still bothers the hell out of me. Right now I've got a two-day stubble on my legs that is Chinese friction-torturing me to death and a lot of growth on my nether regions. I have that growth because I am getting it waxed. I'm not daintily stepping into the waxed cooter world by just an upper-thigh/bikini wax. Oh no. I am going for a Brazilian.
I hear all kinds of things about Brazilian waxes-- they hurt, they're amazing, you'll never want one again, you'll never want to have any pubic hair again once you have one. I've only ever had my eyebrows waxed before, and that stings and leaves my skin puffy, so I am afraid of what my cooter will look like when I am done. I fear that I will be like Steve Carrell in the 40 Year Old Virgin previews, and walk out with a spotty bush because I couldn't take the pain. I took Advil to prevent the swelling and stinging, I washed thoroughly as to avoid scaring the bejesus out of the person who will apply hot wax to my groin.
I wish they had an option at salons that would be "dip my entire body below my neck into hot wax and remove all the hairs, plus please remove all the stray hairs off my head." I think it would be costly, but I'd be smoother than frozen yogurt after such a treatment. If we can put a man on the moon, we can surely have a hot-wax dipping system for the young women of the world.
Wish me luck-- in half an hour I will be a Brazilian virgin no more. Will report back later.

No comments: