Taking Joy in the 12 Pains of Christmas

As I procrastinate on writing my Christmas cards this evening, I read esteemed media critic and Facebook friend Dan Kennedy's Twitter feed, which is essentially a liveblog of his frustrations with printing address labels for his Christmas cards from Word. (Kudos to him for even trying—I go the old-school route and hand-write addresses. Which is why I am procrastinating.)

It reminds me of that holiday classic, "The 12 Pains of Christmas." Which got me to thinking—this 1987 hit could stand an update for its 21st birthday. Some of the pains, like writing Christmas cards and dealing with in-laws, are the eternal. But there are so many more pains in this modern world.

Like printing address labels from Word. Remembering to TiVo the classic holiday specials that the networks barely advertise anymore. Dealing with the shame when your greenwashed friends come over and notice the lights on your tree aren't LEDs and tell you you're single-handedly destroying the planet. The awkward Facebook friend request from your coworker's husband the day after the office Christmas party. Having to remember to say "Holiday Party" and not "Christmas Party" so you're not considered an insensitive goon. Remembering to pay back child support before literally making a spectacle of yourself.

I could go on.

But give me your best ideas in the comments. If we get some good ones, maybe we can revisit the holiday parody. Provided we can find a talented singer. I don't want to be the one to provide the 13th pain of Christmas.