WARNING: Contains strong language. For real. More than ususal.
Yeah, you're DEAD to me. DEAD. You stupid, stupid asshole. Sure, you chose some more money, but you will not have the titty-baring, dick-sucking, religious deification following in New York that you had in Boston. Do I know you throw like a girl? Certainly. Do I know that you like to play human bumper cars with your cranium? Yes. Are you the World's Best Baseball Player? Hell, you're not even the best ball player in teeball. But like a girl who sticks by her man when all her friends tell her otherwise ("like?"), I defended you. You brought an endless stream of Jesus and caveman jokes; the persona of a rockstar to a team full of rednecks and born-agains, and I loved you for that. I loved you for your stupid singing on Bronson's stupid CD. I watched your Cribs, Johnny. I even tolerated your gold-digging, stripper-with-a-heart-of-bank-account-numbers wife.
Take his head off, Carson!
But this? Going to the motherfucking Yankees? Oh hell no. HELL no. This I cannot forgive. Even Nomar had the good sense to not go to the Yankees. You couldn't have joined the 2003 Sox Reunion Tour in L.A.? You couldn't have retired to be an underwear model? You couldn't have done ANYTHING other than go to the Yankees?
Good fucking luck. Enjoy watching Jeter and A-Rod get fellated by the media in New York while you sit in the corner, cold and alone, rubbing one out to the memories of Game 7 of the ALCS in 2004. Donate your hair to Locks of Love, put your condo on the market, take your dumb-ass wife and get the hell out. Let the dirt dogs like Youks and Trot and Tek play some fucking baseball instead of trying to launch an additional career on the hearts of a baseball-crazed city. Stupid, stupid bitch.
Say goodbye to your fashion show, Michelle.
Say goodbye to the book deals, Johnny.
Idiots. And not in the nice way, either.
For actual reflection and articulate analysis, please see Basegirl. You'll have none of that here.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
Johnny Damon is a Stupid Bitch
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