Roots

Dear Dunkin Donuts,

I have loved you for all of my life. Baked goods are a bit of a tradition in my family. We love cookies and breads and delicious, delicous donuts. When I was a kid, we'd drive to Dunkin Donuts on Sunday to buy a dozen nutritionally void donuts for breakfast. When I was in college, I'd drink your coffee to keep me going. I'd eat your donuts as snacks. Most weekends, I am at the Dunkin in my neighborhood, even though the egg and cheese sandwiches taste like ass. I like your coffee, and I like that you remind me of my youth.
But I am scared of the direction that you're headed in. You got bought up by another huge conglomerate. Now you've introduced the "Latte Light," a Starbucks-esque attempt at making the calorie bombs that are sweetened coffee drinks appealing to people who know they're a nuclear detonation for a diet. I am not thrilled with this news. Nor was I thrilled by the idea of you branching into lattes of any kind, and I am less excited by your ass-nasty looking "grilled panini" lunch offering. Let me tell you something, Dunkin. You serve coffee in foam cups. Rough and tumble construction guys drink your coffee. Parents bring kids because the tables are made of plastic and a Dunkin Donuts is perhaps the loudest place in the world, so the added wail of a kid isn't going to bother anyone like it would at Starbucks. College students drink your coffee because it's cheap and not purveyed by a faceless conglomerate. Well, I mean, it is, but it's our faceless conglomerate. Dunkin represents New England. The coffee isn't fancy, but it's good. It doesn't need steamed milk or sprinkles to make it good-- it's good on its own. Dunkin Donuts is New England-- practical and efficient. And by muddling things up with sandwiches and fancy-ass lattes, it's become West-coast-ified.
Stop. Just stop. Dunkin Donuts should have the following items on their menu: coffee (decaf, regular, flavored), tea, hot chocolate, the yummy Dunkachino, muffins, donuts, bagels, croissants, breakfast sandwiches, and Munchkins. That is it. If you're in a pansy-ass, coffee-as-dessert mood, go to Starbucks. Dunkin will survive only as a simple, less-expensive coffee and carb stop. Like my Mom says, you can't be everything to everyone.