Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Letter From Boston

Dear Everyone,

Hi. Boston Massachusetts here. I'm a relatively small American city. You may have heard about the problems I've had recently with my transportation infrastructure. You may also be aware that I've had a water main break and a tractor-trailer overturn on one of my major highways today as well. I'm also playing host to a major league baseball team and two free events today. As you can imagine, this is a bit stressful for me. So can I ask a favor?

Stay the hell out.

No, seriously. Keep your cars parked. Come in on foot, bike, bobsled, pony, whatever the hell will get you here on a sidewalk and not in a giant space-taking, gas-guzzling, street-driving car. Seriously. Ride a horse. I've instructed the groundskeepers for the Boston Common not to cut the grass so the ponies can graze. Don't rely on the commuter rail, because that's fucked too.

In fact, if you don't live here, please stay out. I've got enough cranky people on my ground to take care of. Wouldn't you like to visit Providence, Rhode Island? Aside from the harbor fires, it's lovely. Maybe Newport? Go anyplace else, I'm begging you. I'll let you know when I'm ready for you to come back. But for now, I'm closed for business until things are running a little more smoothly again.

Thanks a bunch,
Boston, Massachusetts

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