Wednesday, July 27, 2005

My Kingdom for A...

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I don't ask a lot of my workplace. I ask for a desk to put huge piles of paper upon, the occasional stash of Pop-Tarts or Oreos (real ones, not things labeled "Hydrox Cookies"), encouragement to grow and be the best production worker bee I can be, and diet Coke. Office coffee I can do without since it makes me have to poo after I drink it (goodbye, readers!) and makes my stomach gurgle, so I usually shell out $1.75 for an iced coffee at the Mecca-like (I pray several times a day towards it) breakfast place across the street. But around lunch time, when my body is going into hibernation mode, I need an extra pick-me-up, without all the sugar and teeth-rotting capabilities of regular Coke. I need diet Coke.
My office is full of women. Sure, there are some dudes, but my coworkers are mostly of the female persuasion. We sit all day so we don't need the extra calories from sugar. We are not hummingbirds. But we need caffeine. I live off the stuff. I begin my days with caffeine and end them with beer. I think many of my coworkers do the same. The future of America's liberal arts college students (shut up, they're people too) depends on the fridge being stacked with diet Coke. I want to be able to replace my cubicle walls with stacks of flats of diet Coke.
For the past few days, our office Coke fridge has been without diet Coke. There's lots of regular. There's regular ginger ale. Iced tea? Got it. But diet Coke? Diet Dr. Pepper? Nothin' doin'. I walk into the small kitchen, see the fridge barren and without diet Coke and I stop my feet. I actually bought a diet Coke today. The situation has become dire.
I don't know if the soda company is to blame, or the admin assistant is channeling his anger about being called whenever the photocopier eats my manuscripts and passive aggressively exacting his revenge. All I know is that I haven't heard the refreshing "pop-SHHICK" of a diet Coke being opened, my face is all broken out from drinking regular, my waist is growing, and I've got a headache from withdrawal. So I'm putting it into the universe-- please send the soda guy to my office, ASAP.

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