State of the ::yawn::

It's Mitt Romney's last state of the state speech today, which is being met with much hullabaloo since it is his last. I don't get why people are so worked up about it. There's no red carpet, no Eva Longoria (although if she'd been invited, I'm sure her hype-loving teeny-tiny ass would have been there), no nothing to get excited about. I mean, unless Ted Kennedy stumbles in and makes an off-color remark about Mormons, I don't see the point of caring. I'm sure Mitt doesn't.

"Dear Fellow $4,000 a Plate Republican Party Members... oops, that was last night's speech. Sorry, folks. I know I've got the right one here," Mitt will say, rifling through a stack of papers all printed on fancy resumé paper.

"Ah yes," he says, pulling out a sheet. "My fellow Massholes... well, actually, I only keep a summer home here for when I get bored of my home in Utah, or have to actually show my face at the State House, so I'm technically not one of you.

"Anyway, our state is in pretty good shape, or that's what my advisors tell me. Fuck if I know, I hate this place. Most of you have jobs, your kids are being educated as best we can comfortably afford at this time, your old people have Medicare drugs sometimes, and only one city is on the verge of bankruptcy. So that ain't bad, right?

"For the rest of my term in Massachusetts, I plan to be out of state eighty percent of the time, leaving Kerry Healy in charge since she wants to be governor of this hellhole so damn badly. I willpseudoo-campaign for the Republican nomination for President, spending piles of my own money to narcisstically promote myself. I will use your liberal state as an example ofSodomm, highlighting my racist, sexist plans to try my best to curtail your liberties, since like all the red states like to hear about that stuff. I will utter the phrase 'activist judges' about 700,000 times for any camera that will film me. I will be a regular pundit on the Fox News Channel. And you little peons will whine and complain, but, quite frankly, I don't give a crap about you or your little liberal enclave up here. Just keep sending the rest of the country seafood, bugger each other like Brokeback Mountain on a boat, and leave the rest of this God-fearing country alone.

"Thank you, and goodnight. Assholes."