Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Am I a False Tabloid?

The Britney news is always amusing. I have a love/hate relationship with Miss Spears/Mrs. Federline. I love her cheesy pop songs, I hate her endless appearances in the news. "...Baby One More Time" and "Toxic" are unbelievable pop music. I do not fancy Spears an "artist." She is a consummate performer, but art is not her forte.
Today, while reading about her new television series (I hope to be one of the writers) I clicked on a link to Britney's website. I've been there before, if only to indulge my schadenfreude. I read the latest missive (I'm a few days behind the news) from Britney, which opens:

March 30, 2005

Dear False Tabloids,

As you read this letter, I bet you are asking yourself: Who? Who, me? Am I a false tabloid? Well, I don't know.

Britney, if you don't know, how am I going to know? How am I going to change? Did I spew misinformation when I said you aren't an artist? Please inform me of the criteria of "false tabloid" because once I know my status, I'll make like Ebeneezer Scrooge and change. God bless us everyone, indeed!
Britney continues:
I'm really concerned about the people you hire to work at your companies. I'd like them to ask themselves the question, "What am I lying to myself about?" Is it that you are 50 pounds overweight? Is it that your children aren't making wise decisions? Or is it maybe that your husband or boyfriend is cheating on you? Until you face what is going on in your life, I guess you'll remain a false tabloid.

Fuck. I never hired anyone, Britney, so I can't speak to the honesty of my employees. I'm not fifty pounds overweight. I'm a normal BMI, thanks. Nor do I eat Cheetos and swill Red Bull. I don't have children, so they aren't deciding anything. I don't have a husband or a boyfriend, thanks so much for asking, you smug married bitch so they can't possibly be cheating on me. But, what if she's right? What if I've been lying to myself for the past twenty-three years? Should I indulge my Red Bull and vodka side? Marry a backup dancer, walk barefoot through gas station bathrooms and find the cheese that has been moved away from me? Kiss Madonna? What am I doing wrong Britney?
So, now you know my dirty secret. I haven't been considering what's going on in my life, so I must be a false tabloid. Please don't believe a word I say. Perhaps you should buy a Britney CD, or a people magazine, since it's okay, per Britney.

No comments: