Friday, April 01, 2005

Welcome to Insanity

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Freaky... they're both 84. They both have big noses. It made of the strangest combination of headlines on ever. "Pope in grave condition. Chicken magnate Frank Perdue dead at 84."

I feel kind of like a horse's ass. Not only did I say "thank God that woman is dead" yesterday, today I am rooting for the Pope to die. And, sadly, Frank Perdue died. I think it says something about my upbringing that I'm more distraught about the guy from the chicken commercials dying than the spiritual leader of millions of people. I'm not hoping for the Pope to shuffle off his mortal coil because I don't like him-- rather I don't want him to suffer. So, here are my thoughts and questions on the Pope's situation.

  • Who gives the Pope last rites? Kristen asked me, and I seriously have no idea. Isn't the Pope God's customer service representative on Earth? So who gets to cross him and prepare him to meet his maker? Is some guy hired to do this, kind of like freelance work? Does he follow the Pope everywhere in case the Pope should just fall over and die? Does the Pope get special last rites, or just the average schmo's rites?

  • Who gets to be the next Pope? I hope he's a nice guy. I kind of dig John Paul, as much as I can dig anyone who's deeply involved with the dogmatic side of the Church. He doesn't like gay people, which bothers me. He advocated for keeping Terri Schiavo alive, which I disagree with. But this Pope did speak out against the war in Iraq, which I appreciate. And he's just so cute. He's a little old man, and he looks friendly. I know virtually nothing about his papacy, but I can't be mad at such a funny old man. I kind of want him to be my Polish grandpa.

  • Does the Pope have a special hospital johnny? Is he laying in bed with his Pope hat on?

  • I hope the Pope's UTI isn't hurting him too much. I was there not that long ago, J.P, and it sucked. Have some cranberry juice. It also makes you feel better if you whine a lot.

  • If the Pope dies, will church bells ring like when the Queen dies? Do we all shout "God save the Pope?"

  • Why are Catholics praying for him? The news reports all say "Catholics pray for Pope." What are they praying for? That he dies as painlessly as possible? It seems cruel to pray him back to health because the guy is old. It sucks, and it's sad for the people who look up to him, but at some point it's time to say goodbye. Yes, Terri's Mom and Dad, I'm looking at you too when I say that. Isn't mercy one of the tenants of religious folk?

  • Is it appropriate to bring up the Pope's health in discussion? I had to stop myself from asking my boss today, "So, the Pope's pretty sick. Do you think he'll go today, or sometime this weekend?"

So now that I've secured my seat in the hottest spots of hell, I'm off to do some work.

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