Friday, April 22, 2005

The IM Archives

In a fit of insanity, Amy instant messages Kristen to discuss the need to write what will become the Britney and Kevin PG Home Movie show. Kristen is watching Air Jaws. Several of our "fans" (hi, Colleen!) have suggested Kristen and I have a shared blog, so we also discuss the vision for our shared website. Keep in mind we are not drunk during this exchange. Also, the exchange is a few weeks old, so do note that the Sox have resolved the pitching woes. Keep it up, gentlemen.

Amy: We should write the Britney and Kevin show.
Kristen: Um...
Kristen: Is there a need for this?
Amy: YES. Imagine the fun! Redneck jokes! Yankees fan jokes!
Amy: Blonde tart jokes!
Kristen: Well then, go us.
Kristen: DUDE! These sharks JUMP out of the WATER!
Kristen: It is awesome!
Kristen: Sorry.
Amy: Maybe we can add the sharks to the Britney and Kevin show.
Kristen: That would be the greatest thing ever captured on television.
Amy: I agree. Or on the internet.
Kristen: I want Janice Dickinson to comment on it.
Kristen: Or just drunkenly throw things at Britney.
Kristen: BLOOD PUDDLES! This is the fucking awesomest thing ever.
Amy: Here is our blog, for now. We shall write fan fiction, kind of GBCish, but with reality people. And land sharks who jump. Someone gets their head bitten off. Preferably some asshole from the Bachelor or something.
Kristen: YAY!
Kristen: We kick ass. What should the blog's name be?
Amy: "Britney, Kevin and the Jumping Sharks."
Amy: That works on two levels.
Kristen: Heh. Best. Name. Ever.
Kristen: Except we won't always be writing about Britney and Kevin so maybe we should call it, “A Blonde, a Redhead and The Jumping Sharks.” Or something.
Kristen: Because sometimes we will talk about dirty sex. Heh.
Amy: When will we be having dirty sex? Soon? WHAT DO YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT?
Kristen: I meant we would be hypothesizing about dirty sex. Like, as our hoo-has grow over.
Kristen: "I remember when I was young..."
Amy: "two months ago"
Amy: We can write odes to boys in the park and dorks at work.
Kristen: W.O.R.D.
Amy: "Tally of craigslist MC postings pertaining to The Blonde or the Redhead: 0"
Kristen: Or the blonde and the redhead because we come in tandem.
Kristen: Which? Totally would rock many guy's worlds.
Amy: Huh huh. Yeah.
Amy: Should we operate under these pseudonyms, or just say Kristen and Amy? Odds are people would figure it out.
Kristen: I say Kristen and Amy. And we can direct them to our other blogs if they're interested. "Basegirl and Pasquinade Double Team!"
Amy: "The hottest double-team since..." I need to Google.
Kristen: I'll wait
Amy: Hmm. It's some movie. Nothing porny at all.
Kristen: That's ridiculous. What's the point of the internet if not for porn?
Amy: Oh, if you add women you get a WHOLE slew of entries.
Kristen: Excellent.
Amy: Hmm. But no conclusive stars who have a reputation for that. Where's my ex-WHW when you need him?
Kristen: He's good at turning normal movie titles into porn titles. I think he spends like an inordinate amount of time doing that.
Amy: This means he must have an extensive knowledge of porn. Stupid boys.
Kristen: If I say "porn rocks" and we blog this conversation, we are totally getting the strangest Google hits.
Amy: That may be okay.
Kristen: Word.
Amy: Schoolgirl
Amy: Boobies
Kristen: Fetish
Amy: Double team
Amy: Lesbians
Amy: Lipstick
Kristen: Barely legal
Kristen: Heh.
Amy: Heh.
Amy: Smooch.
Kristen: We rule.
Amy: Yep.
Kristen: Well shit, now I can't think of anything to say that can't also be interpreted as something dirty.
Kristen: Doesn't help that the shark scientist dude is all, "The shark swims along, fully cocked and loaded, before shooting first and asking questions second." That is totally verbatim, by the way.
Amy: Yeah, me neither. Which is okay, since I am all tuckered out and just waiting for my hot, young roommates to get out of the bathroom.
Kristen: Heh.
Amy: Hmm. This seems to be my dating problem in a nutshell. "Fully cocked and loaded, shooting first and asking questions second" should be our blog title.
Kristen: I'm giggling a ridiculous amount over here. I'm not even drunk.
Amy: Because, while being dirty, it also is synonymous with drunk, which, we are, often.
Amy: I cracked my own shit up tonight too.
Kristen: Way, way, way often.
Kristen: Speaking of? Is there alcohol at your house for tomorrow?
Amy: Um, there are a few beers left. Perhaps mint, rum and some of Bedford's soda water should find it's way to my house.
Amy: Oh my God, we're the most popular blog on the internet.
Kristen: Truthfully, I'm not even sure what Mojito Rimmers are, but I think it's like Margarita salt, except for Mojitos.
Kristen: Hee. hee. heeheeheeheeheehee!
Amy: Um, do we want to get that fancy?
Kristen: I don't know, I was just excited that I got alcohol and alcohol related things in my Easter basket. My family rocks.
Kristen: Dude, there are shark penises on my TV. There's a great white orgy happening. This is the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Amy: Wow. You know, they make porn with human penises in it.
Kristen: I'm not watching it because it's porny. I'm watching it because sharks are cool. And they JUMP! And, apparently, binging on whale carcasses makes them horny. Which is weird, because after eating too much, I just want to sleep.
Amy: Yeah. Me too.
Amy: It's a good thing, too. Otherwise I'd be horny all the time. More.
Kristen: Like, it would interfere with sleeping and eating and such. I mean, more than normal.
Amy: Right.
Kristen: I knew we would get around to the dirty sex before too long. Just didn't know it would come as a function of talking about shark penises.
Amy: So when the sharks eat Star Jones or Nolé Marin they will be horny and have to fuck Britney and Kevin's dog?
Kristen: YES!
Amy: HAHA!
Kristen: They have to eat Nolé Marin's dog too. That dog creeps me out.
Kristen: Is PETA gonna kick my ass now?
Amy: We can only hope.
Amy: Publicity! Fame!
Kristen: Do you have to be a pacifist to be in PETA?
Kristen: And do you have my back if I get attacked by a swarming army of red paint wielding minions?
Amy: Yep.
Amy: J will be right there with them.
Kristen: But I'm not going to beat them up. I'll just be quietly judgmental
Amy: Right.
Kristen: And maybe scowl.
Amy: Yeah!
Kristen: Plus J isn't a vegetarian is he?
Amy: No. He eats chicken, I think.
Kristen: Maybe he's like a weekend PETA member.
Kristen: Like a weekend smoker?
Amy: My vegan friend wears leather boots too. I think it's because she bought them before she was vegan or something.
Kristen: And it's silly to let them go to waste?
Amy: Yeah, I don't know. My philosophy is that if the animal is on my plate, it is too late to save it. So I shall eat its yummy, delicious flesh.
Kristen: Well, right. ditto for the kitchen of the restaurant or the grocery store.
Amy: Yep.
Kristen: Ow! Fuck, my arm is going to fall off.
Amy: Did you wash dishes again?
Kristen: No, shoulder issues.
Amy: GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU SILLY TWIT. You don't want to get flesh-eating bacteria in that.
Kristen: There are no open sores. Just a possibly torn rotator cuff.
Amy: Doesn't matter. Don't die.
Kristen: It might become an issue because if the GODDAMN RED SOX CAN'T START PITCHING WELL THEN THEY MIGHT NEED ME! Ahem.
Amy: Oh Kristen. It'll be okay. If they win tomorrow. If not, we can freak the fuck out.
Kristen: Argh, I am fine. I have done a mental Hulk Smash and have moved on.
Amy: Well done.
Amy: But now I must move on to bed.
Kristen: Blargh.
Amy: I am trying to be not shitty feeling tomorrow for work. Since they want me to work. Waaa?
Kristen: Yeah, I would say I’m going to bed too but I just put on Air Jaws 2 so we both know I'm lying.
Amy: Let's not demean ourselves by lying. But I actually will be sleeping. And tomorrow is Top Model night, so we must be rested.
Kristen: Word. I shall bring my tired ass and my handy elementary school kid overnight bag with me to work tomorrow.
Amy: Oh super-cool. We're having another sleepover. Don't forget your retainer and NKOTB pillowcase!
Kristen: And the Girl Talk game.
Amy: I only had the Mall shopping game.
Kristen: Pshaw. Girl Talk 4-Eva!
Amy: I don't remember the name, but I loved it.
Amy: Dude, Toys R Us was having a 2 for $15 board game sale.
Amy: I nearly threw Deb into a car and drove to the toy store.
Kristen: Also, I totally had both a retainer and an NKOTB pillowcase. And a bath towel.
Amy: I had a door-poster.
Kristen: I had that too.
Kristen: Jordan.
Kristen: (Eek)
Amy: I liked the wee one. Joey Mac.
Kristen: You would.
Kristen: We must get Dream Phone!
Amy: I don't think they make it anymore. Amazon doesn't have it.
Kristen: Commie bastards.
Amy: Girl Talk
Kristen: It's much less pink than it used to be. This is not an entirely unwelcome development.
Amy: Heh. Okay, bedtime for me. I forgot in rehashing my childhood. We shall make a wishlist and post it too.
Amy: Good night, Sharkie.
Kristen: Night, Some Other Clever Nickname I Can't Think Of.

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