Thursday, April 28, 2005

I Do Wanna Wait...

Dear Katie Holmes,

I know how you feel. You just got out of a long relationship which is always hard to deal with. You're looking for an older guy, someone with experience, someone who can protect you. Lord knows I love the older men too, Katie. But Tom Cruise? Girl, please. Let me tell you something about Tom Cruise. Something Nicole Kidman already knows.
Tom Cruise is a homosexual.
I don't mean borderline homosexual. I don't mean metrosexual. I mean he loves ass, Katie. A man's ass. Tom Cruise watches gay porn and not ironically. He digs dudes. He's like the guy on the Brady Bunch-- he's gayer than the color yellow. While I know you probably want to take things slow, you're not going to get any good lovin' from Tom. None.
Also, you're freaking me out because I know you as Dawson/Pacey's girlfriend. I watched about three episodes of Dawson's Creek, which is all I could take since no high schooler in the history of ever has been able to articulate their emotions with words used on the SAT. No high schooler can articulate their emotions in words. Usually they just request Dave Matthews Band songs (Tori Amos when dumped) and hump each other like prisoners on congugal visits. So in short, I see you as a naive high school girl from the Cape, dating a considerably older gay man who was dancing around in his tighty-whities before you were born. Somewhere, James VanDerBeek furrows his dark brows in anguish.
Why don't you date someone who isn't gay? Go for Brad Pitt. He's straight. Go for Aaron Carter. Hell, date Orlando Bloom. There are many straight, girl-loving men closer to your own age, Katie. Don't sell yourself short.


PS. Now I've got that damn Paula Cole song stuck in my head, along with the vision of her hairy, hairy pits. Thanks. Also, you're cross-eyed.

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