Rhode Island

Last week I was bored since Kristen left work early, I was done for the day and leaving in fifteen to head to the Ocean State. I stumbled upon a website with stupid quizzes (I speak 50% Yankee dialect, my brain is 80% female, my inner European is Italian) and found this.
I'm all for the good jokes on my home state. But, some of these things just aren't true. So let's do a rundown, shall we?

Keepin' it street in the 401, y'all.

You Know You're From Rhode Island When...
You celebrate "birt-day"
I used to have quite the Rhode Island accent, but when I moved to Massachusetts I lost most of it. I do occasionally drop an r and add it elsewhere, but for the most part I pronounce my words correctly.
If your oldah brodah is a retad.
That's "retahd."
If you had a "wickit" good time at the beach.
Yep, I have wicked good times at the beach. When I lost my accent, I lost my reliance on the word "wicked," although sometimes, that's really what I feel. Usually I am wicked pissed, or something is wicked cool.
You can drive two miles with out seeing a Bess Eaton.
Dude, Bess Eaton went the way of the Edsel last year, and I am profoundly sad for it. There was nothing better than drinking a birdbath's worth of coffee from The Tank. All the styrofoam cups had inspirational quotes from the Bible, and nobody ever ate donuts from Bess Eaton. Now we have some kind of hockey player chain or something from Canada. Fucking Canada.
You know the difference between red, white and clear chowdah.
I do indeed. I enjoy chowder more than probably healthy, especially when served with clamcakes that are so greasy the bag they come slowly turns translucent. I am partial to white (New England) clam chowder, but will have it RI style (clear). Manhattan style (red) is just foul. If you want tomato soup, eat Spaghetti-Os.
You consider a car journey of longer than one hour a day trip.
Heh. It's true.
You can you curse in Italian.
Hey, not all Rhode Islanders are Italian. A lot of them are, but some of us are mongrels.
You know the basic rules of DuckPin bowling.
If you've seen me try to bowl with more than one beer in me, you'd be happy to know that I do know Duckpin bowling. That teeny ball is much easier to toss when inebriated than the 20-lb standard jobbies. Sorry for nearly killing you, Kristen, Alicia, Will and Kerri.
You own garden tools from Job Lot.
I own everything other than underwear from Job Lot.
You have tried to drive the measured mile in less then 45 seconds.
If I myself haven't, Pete or Cris have attempted it with me in the car, screaming in terror.
You know what the expression "side by each" means.
Yeah, people in Woonsocket who live on top of their mothers use it. Not us Southerners.
You have used the expression "Not For Nuthin" or "bubbla".
The kids I babysit and I got into an argument about this. They seriously had no idea what the hell I was talking about. I maintain, to this day, that it's a bubbler. A water/drinking fountain has a naked cherub in it. A thing with a handle that you drink from bubbles water, hence bubbler. Anyone who argues this point with me will find themselves in a world of hurt. VIVA BUBBLER.
You serve bread with every meal.
Why not? Bread is proof God loves us. Especially when slathered with warm butter.
You know what "3 all the way" means.
Actually, I don't have any idea what this means. Does anyone else? I assume it has something to do with lottery tickets.
You load up on milk and bread before a snowstorm.
This somewhat psychotic tradition began after the blizzard of '78 (which was allegedly going to be "flurries" not "crippling blizzard of doom") so most people were caught without the essentials at home. My mother, who was living with my father at the time, had only frozen ravioli in the apartment. Which may have been okay for just her and my Dad, but my grandmother decided that the snow would keep people away from the mall, so she decided to go shopping, got stranded and hitched a ride to my parent's house with some random snowmobiler. My grandfather came to get her a few days later. So, yes, my Mom always sends me out for milk, bread and usually some kind of snack foods before a snowstorm. Which was a good thing during the President's Day Weekend storm of 2003 when an Escort with three adults and two children had to drive from Rhode Island to Boston. Thanks for the snack mix, Mom!
You feel compelled to hear at least one weather report a day.
If only to see the smile of my beautiful weatherman. But I am a bit of a weather geek (see above). See also: weatherbug installed on my computer.
You understand the humor of the Ocean State Follies.
Cracked me up when I was a kid. I haven't seen them in years.
You consider your holiday season incomplete without a trip to Lasalette Shrine.
I've actually never been.
You have a bottle of coffee syrup in the fridge right now.
You bet. Coffee milk is awesome.
You've phoned into a talk show on WPRO or WHJJ.
Nah. Talk radio isn't my thing, although I used to listen to Rush Limbaugh with my Mom. Yet somehow, I turned out liberal. Thanks Mom!
You have given a bottle of Sakonnet wine as a gift.
My Mom gets them sometimes, but we never drink them. I don't know why. Maybe a surprise snowstorm would tempt us to crack them open.
You've gotten sick from eating too many clam cakes.
They are fabulous. I had clamcakes and chower last weekend and it was a sure sign of spring. Some people confuse clam cakes with crab cakes-- clamcakes are dough with clams mixed in, deep fried into alien looking blobs of delicious fat bombs. Dunking them into your clam chowder is an excellent way to eat them, although they're fine on their own.
You've boasted about the money you saved at the Christmas Tree Shop.
Hell yes. I do love a bargain. When I go home, I usually hit Target, Christmas Tree Shop and Job Lot. Sometimes Building 19 if I'm feeling especially broke.
Your first live concert was at The Civic Center or Rocky Point.
Nope. It was the Tent. Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.
You own a hat with a red "P" on it.
Not yet, but I will. I think I love the Paw Sox just as much as the Red Sox. Cheaper seats, cheaper food, cheaper beer, my catcalls travel father than they do at Fenway, enjoying baseball without schmoopy couples and endless talk of a fantasy team-- awesome.
You still call the Rhode Island Mall the Midland Mall.
No, but my Mom does.
You have close relatives who work for the state.
No. Just the lower echelons of government.
You have used a demolished landmark when giving directions.
Heh. "Go by the old Almacs, hang a right where A&P used to be..."
You secretly watch "Providence" even though you tell your friends you don't.
I think I saw two episodes of that show, only because I love that guy from M*A*S*H. BJ!
You can sing the Rocky Point theme song.
I didn't know it had a theme song, only because my Mom thought the place was a death trap so I never got to go. I can sing the entire "Block Island Ferry" song.
You have a degree from RIC, CCRI or URI.
Come on now. Lots of people who aren't from Rhody get degrees at these institutions. New Jersians have to get out of Jersey somehow. (Also New Yorkers!)
You think vodka and Del's is a great combination.
Um, that's empirically true. Frozen lemonade and vodka? Do the math. Mike's hard lemonade is just a melted Del's and vodka.
You've been to Scarborough Beach but not Block Island.
True story-- my 72 year old grandmother has never been to Block Island. She's driven across the country countless times, but hasn't sailed away on the ferry to Block Island. My Mom's never been either. I've been, only because a friend of mine worked there and she took me to visit, the damn jingle stuck in my head. [Set to a reggae beat] "Sail away on the Block Island ferry/take a trip back to carefree times/leave today/Block Island awaits you/Just leave your worries behind."
You drop the "w" in Greenwich, Kingstown, and Warwick.
I do in "Greenwich." It's "Greenich" which confuses the hell out of non-natives.
You use the expression "down-city" for downtown.
I don't. I hate that PC version of downtown. It sounds like a tourism brochure. If people get mugged and shot there, it's downtown.
You celebrate St. Joseph's Day and know what a "zeppolla" is.
Yes. And yummy. Also, poor spelling, quiz website. It's "zeppole."
You know what "ProJo" stands for.
Yep.
You still call CCRI "reject".
That isn't very nice. My brother goes there, and he's not a reject. Also, I should have gone during my senior year of high school in the "get the hell out of your high school" program but didn't listen to my art teacher.
Your city house and your beach house are less than an hour away from each other.
If by "beach house" you mean "place where I park the car and walk a mile to the beach" then yes.
You always start giving directions by saying, "Well, you get on 95..."
Well, that's what you do.
You can recite the license plates of all your family members and friends.
We had one license plate from the time I was in preschool until 2000 when my car died and we didn't get another one so the registration expired. And I miss it dearly.
You know what a "package store" is.
It's where self-confidence comes from.
You think lots of gold jewelry looks great on the beach.
Oh puke. No. I go to Town Beach where the dirty hippies and svelte surfers hang out. Gold jewelry, big hair and mascara do not belong at the beach. Roxy shorts, body boards, surf wax, frisbees and guitars do.
You know what Allie's makes.
Little cakey bits of heaven. Bite me, Krispy Kreme.
You put celery salt on your hot dogs.
Yep. And it's delicious!
You order an iced coffee in December.
Cold coffee is okay at any time of the year.
You know exactly which parts of Dumb and Dumber, There's Something About Mary, Meet Joe Black and Amistad were filmed in RI, and you can tell someone exactly where that is.
One part of one of those movies was filmed in the cemetery across the street from my high school. And also, can you hire a copyeditor, website? This shit sucks.
You know what the Coffee Cup Salute is, and who does it every morning.
Frank, I miss you! Salut!
You grew up with everyone you see at Stop and Shop.
It never fails. Every time I go home, I see someone there I know. Sometimes my cool math teacher. Usually someone with a kid who's been married and divorced in the past five years.
You've never been farther south than Jersey, and not farther West than there, either, but are planning to move to Florida as soon as you turn 60.
Heh. No, unlike some Rhode Islanders, I am not content to stay only in one little corner of the state. And many Rhode Islanders stay because they have balls and can handle the cold of winter. Because summer in Rhode Island is the best time ever.