Hypothetical

Do you ever have one of those mornings? When you wake up, your mouth feeling the consistency of fine grains of sand yet your pillow is damp, wondering how it got to be morning? A morning when you stand up, turn off the alarm clock, nearly stumble while trying to slide your foot into a slipper and can't figure out how to put your arm in your bathrobe? The morning where your thoughts (such as they are) revolve around endless piles of bagels, accompanied by a trough of cream cheese with a gas tank's worth of iced coffee?

"Fierce, Amy!" Yeah, the hangover will be. Thanks, Pabst! Not.

You know the morning. You must. When you turn over the events of the day before in your mind like seashells half-covered with sand, to see if it's a really pretty seashell or if a crab will come out and bite you. Did you get crabs? How many glasses of wine did you have? Did you really tell the story of your Mom's online dating tribulations to a roomful of people? Did you get real estate advice from a woman who said to call her Coco without a trace of irony? How many times did you squeal "Ooooh, Bob!" when Karen related the story of the nice things he does for her? Did you really get into a discussion of "fucktard v fuckwit" as the appropriate term for an infantile man with your coworkers? How did you manage, after many glasses of wine, to navigate the cobblestones of the South End in heels without falling? Why were you dressed entirely in red velvet materials, only some of which were yours? How loudly did you insist on playing Britney Spears? How many times did you call your friend's friend gay? How many pictures of you were taken with the direction to make it "fierce"? Did you really send IMs to a debutante in the South that you don't know? Did you lick some dude's ear? Uh-oh, PBR. You tell the crowd that PBR makes you angry. You pretend to fight people. You are dragged to a cab and brought the hell home. You fall asleep and wake up, in all too rapid succession. And you have That Morning. When people ask "how are you doing?" When your friend says "Did you kiss someone last night?" And you say, "Uhh?" Then you eat a bagel, and air your baggage on the internet for other people's amusement. Y'all have had That Morning? Right?