For the Love of Johnny

Yeah... if only he had rested.
I know it's the typical girly Red Sox fan who loves Johnny Damon. He's got the '50s movie-star marquee name. He's got the big muscles, the Neanderthaloid facial features, the flowing mane romance-novel cover artists dream of. He is, to use the parlance of the period his name comes from, dreamy. But lately, I don't know if I can fully give my love to Johnny Damon.
It started when Kristen sent me the information that his new book Idiot: Beating the Curse and Enjoying the Game of Life contains the unnerving story of arguments with his wife where he called her no fun, a nag, and says that life is short and he doesn't want to pick out furniture on his off days. Which are all valid points, I suppose. And Johnny does make nice with his ex-wife, after the news of the contents of his book broke. I know that a memoir should have personal details of Damon's life, but insulting his ex-wife in a book his children with her will someday read seems like the wrong time. Call her up and scream at her when you're drunk, reject her claims for more alimony, whatever you need to do, in private, to air your greivances. Your book should be about you, not about the way the mother of your children was a downer.
While I normally go for the guys who can fix my computer or play a mean guitar/banjo/fiddle, I'm attracted to dimwit Johnny. He has said "Even being mentioned in the same sentence as Jesus or God-- I mean, those guys are awesome" in Boston magazine and just recently commented on the death of John Paul II by saying "The Pope was awesome for the world." God love him, he's just not that smart. But there's something attractive about a guy who knows he's not bright and embraces it. He's not trying to be a religious scholar or a philosopher. A reporter asked him a question, and he answered it. It's this honest naivete that endears him to the geeky bookbuilders of Boston who normally wouldn't like him.
I am deeply troubled by Johnny's new wife, Michelle. At first I was troubled that she wasn't me and she'd get to marry those biceps I'd love to hump. Her fake boobs troubled me. Her completely unbelievable blond dye job troubled me. She's a woman who reeks of homewrecker. I want to believe that Johnny didn't cheat on his first wife with his current wife, but when you read that Johnny did eventually cheat on "his highschool sweetheart and mother of his children" and you see Michelle, you kind of do some mental math. Maybe Michelle saw his potential for greatness, his humility would appeal to parents looking for a wholesome, Ted Williams-esque ball player hero for their kids. Perhaps I'm operating on stereotypes and Michelle really loves him, but her willingness to appear everywhere on his arm lends more creedence to the theory that she's got a pick-axe in her low-rise pants, and she's out digging for some gold.
Here's Johnny and Michelle at his book signing in New York today.
Here's the Herald's report on Johnny's publicity day-- note the sentence:

Earlier in the day, Damon - with his bride, Michelle, in tow - made the rounds of the chat shows to push his tome.

Also, the news of Michelle's new television spots. Especially of note:

Michelle is also slated to do a behind-the-scenes look at her hairy hubby's promotional appearances for his new book, ``Idiot: Beating the Curse and Enjoying the Game of Life'' on ``The Late Show with David Letterman'' and ``Live with Regis and Kelly.''

All I'm going to say is that Michelle Mangan was a name I didn't recognize until she became Michelle Damon. I'm fairly certain that Regis and Kelly and David Letterman didn't know that name either. While taking advantage of her new surname isn't directly Johnny's fault, she's dragging him along with her. Johnny's on the cover of TV Guide, Entertainment Weekly, Sports Illustrated (with motherfucking Jeter) and perhaps even Cosmo. Today alone, he's been on the Today show and Regis and Kelly. I don't want him to be the Paris Hilton of baseball-- everywhere all the time. He's quirky, dense and endearing and the world should know what Bostonians have loved for years. But Bostonians and the world are going to get sick of Johnny Damon pretty quickly if he keeps up this pace of appearances, endless Yogi Berra quotes and toting his blond wife around to every public appearance he makes.
I still have a good amount of love for the Johnny Damon. I squeal his name every time I say it. I have my "What Would Johnny Damon Do?" t-shirt ready for opening day. But with every magazine cover, every TV commercial, every time his wife rides the tails of his jersey to a television gig I get a little frustrated with him. Maybe it's time to get on the Kevin Millar love train.