Friday, May 20, 2005

Human Supernovas

Oh barf. It's a supernova of things I hate. Here's how it'll go down:

Oprah: I used to be fat, y'all. But now I'm not. I'm a pretty pretty princess. Oh, and on today's show, we have the hottest couple since Humbert Humbert and Lolita. Katie and Tom! Eeee!
(Housewives clap politely and weep, because that's what good people do whenever Oprah opens her mouth. Enter Tom and Katie.)
Tom: Hi, Oprah! I'm not gay! Like, at all.
Katie: Hey, Oprah. My hymen's still intact. Because I'm saving it. Not because Tom Cruise is gay. Er, I mean, Tommy, my everlasting love.
Tom: I am SO in love with this woman. She's fantastic. (They kiss.)
Oprah: See? This is love. When I was fat, I didn't think I deserved love like this. But now that I'm skinny, Stedman and I send the servants away and copulate on any available surface.
Katie: I have a movie coming out soon.
Tom: So do I. But our dating is totally not a publicity stunt.
Oprah: Of course not. Love is love. You can't fake it, or use it for your own personal benefit.
Tom: Are you calling me gay?
Oprah: Tommy, of course not...
Katie: Don't call him Tommy. He's my Tommy Boo. You may call him Mr. Cruise.
Oprah: Of course, Kate...
Katie: Don't call me Kate. That ruins my youthful appeal. I still hope to make a return to television with James VanDerBeek.
Tom: I thought you said it was over with Dawson.
Katie: Pacey, I mean, Tommy Boo...
Tom: Is this because I asked you to put that pyrex rod in my--
Katie: Stop! Shut up!
Tom: Whatever, Katie. You're still a virgin if nothing penetrates your--
Katie: Stop it!
(Enter Dr. Phil)
Dr. Phil: Y'all, this is what I always say. You can't let a gay fox in the henhouse, because he's just going to rape the roosters. Also, Katie, do you know what herpes is?
Katie: Shut up! It's just love nibbles!
Tom: Yeah, Phil. Don't be sick.
Dr. Phil: That's doctor, Tom. Doctor Phil.
Oprah: I used to be fat! But now I'm not! Men love me! I inspire people! I have sex all the time!


No comments: