You Do Not Need a Girl, But a Swift Kick in the Nuts

Dear P. Diddy,

Amy here. I know that I'm not rollin' on chrome or wearing the finest Ascote polo shirts but I like to think I keep it pretty real, considering I'm a white girl from Rhode Island. I appreciate your early work, such as "All about the Benjamins" and "Mo Money, Mo Problems." Your reality show "Making the Band 2" was great. The name you ultimately gave the group, Da Band, really spoke to me. Women all around the world thank you for cleaning Ashton Kutcher up and putting him in a nice suit. You don't wear pleated pants so you can't be all bad. But as I was checking color separations I listened to your new song "I Need a Girl (Part I)." I am not pleased, Mr. Diddy.
Rap has a bad--well-- rap, for subjugating women. Eminem has heard this since he opened his mouth and recorded anything. Snoop made millions of dollars rapping about how "bitches ain't shit" to him. The few successful female rappers have either treated men with the same amount of sexual objectification or rapped about women who get out of these bad relationships. It seemed for a while that women weren't just sexual objects in the lyrics of rap, but your new song brings us right back into the thick of things.
For example, the chorus as sung by Usher:

I need a girl to ride, ride, ride
I need a girl to make my wife
I need a girl who's mine oh mine
I need a girl in my life

It starts out somewhat innocently. The possessiveness of the words chosen here ("make" a wife, a girl who's "mine") kind of set my teeth on edge, Diddy, but I kept on checking the color plates. Cyan, magenta, yellow, black.
Then comes your first verse:

I got it all, but I really need a wife at home
I don't really like the zone, never spend the night alone
I got a few, you would like to bone

Wow, thanks! You can travel the world, spend endless days with attractive recording stars, be known as a successful entrepreneur, but you really need a girl to stay home and be there whenever you want? Why don't you just buy one since you're rolling in so much money? The possessive language of the chorus sounds a lot more malicious when you start pining for a stay at home sex goddess/domestic servant. Your case isn't helped by the fact that you use the word "girl" instead of "woman." So you want someone who won't challenge you, but will blindly agree with whatever you say?
You continue:

You break her heart, she'll walk out and leave ya
I find a girl, I'ma keep her

It's not up to you whether she stays or goes. She decides, as you point out immediately before you say you'll keep the girl you want. What about what you'll do for her? You say you want a woman who he can bring to the Grammys, but only if you want to. You'll buy women cellphones and beepers, but who doesn't have these things in 2005? Does anyone use a beeper anymore?
Then in the "I miss J.Lo" verse:

Damn I wish you would've had my child
A pretty little girl wit Diddy's smile

"My" child? "Diddy's" smile? This song is so completely blatant in its attempts to set the cause of feminism back forty years. The baby a woman carries for nine months is her man's, not hers. If it doesn't look like him, it's not attractive. I half expect if J.Lo had made a baby with you and it looked like her you would have left it on a mountain to be eaten by wolves with unimpressive cars.
And, finally, the last line of the song:

Nobody else cuz she's all mine

What year is this? Did I suddenly find myself in 1950? We don't own each other anymore in America. Slavery ended hundreds of years ago. Women have had the vote for eighty-five years.

You'll find Diddy here, rolling up in his Pepsi truck.

Birth control has been around for nearly forty years. Marriage doesn't come with a dowry, Diddy. Despite what romantic comedies tell you, women don't need men. We can hold jobs, decide not to marry, decide we don't want a megalomaniacal boyfriend who steals other people's music (I'm sorry, "sample"). We can even date women if we want. Women don't even need men to have babies-- we can just get some sperm or adopt. Your antiquated idea of what a woman should be to you in unbelievable. Stick with rapping about how much money you have and how much you miss Biggie. Releasing a single that amounts to a personal ad from 1955 isn't the way to go.

Sincerely,
Amy