Dead Men Come

During the most American celebration of huge men slamming into each other, when the ads show a man throwing a cell phone at high velocity into the face of another man and Jessica Simpson's newly divorced titties, there is no room for sexual innuendo, which the Rolling Stones learned firsthand at the Super Bowl halftime show.

I have been listening to the Stones since I was an infant. My Mom said she'd leave the house to run some errands, and she would return home to find me and my Dad rocking out to the Stones or Frank Zappa or some other rock music. It bugged my Mom a little, but kids don't get the entendre. It's not like Lil' Kim was playing the halftime show, because that would get pretty explicit. Every year, it's the same shit. Men throw a ball and maim each other for thirty minutes or so, then a band comes on who makes some sexual innuendo or motion that scandalizes America, then it's back to the bone-crunching sport at hand. Is it because or primal brains are set on "kill" for an evening that we can't handle the mention of an orgasm?

Frankly, I wish someone would censor Mick's hip swivels because there should be some kind of law against watching a gangly old man writhe around on a stage like Britney Spears. Good on him— he's been doing this shit for years and he kicks the ass of most performers, then and now— but at one point I actually had to shield my eyes from a particularly salacious grinding motion. Ew ew EW!

Of course, there were major issues with the entire musical performances throughout the show. I looked forward to watching Stevie Wonder kick some ass. Then some other dude came out to sing. What? It's Stevie fucking Wonder. Let him sing his songs. Then Joss Stone came on in a heinous dress. Then India.Arie, who must be sick because her mic was turned way down. Then some dancers came on! Then more! Then everybody sang and crowded the stage! It was horrible.

The Stones, who I figured would save the day, also sucked. Which is too bad, because everyone who has ever seen them live says they're the second coming of Christ in live venue. Alicia saw them a month ago and assured the room they were still good. I think my favorite Super Bowl show was Aerosmith a few years ago. They did a medley with some pretty crappy artists (Britney, I'm looking at you) but it was a spectacle, which is what the Super Bowl is about. I hope that ABC or the NFL relaxes next year and allows some actual fun to happen and not fear The Nipple That Ruined Halftime Forever.

There was some football too, which was okay. Since Tom Brady just did the coin flip and not the quarterbacking, I wasn't too vested in the outcome. Thanks to Katherine and Sebastian for hosting a fine party, and I'm glad you guys got your fifth ring. Enjoy it, because we'll be wanting the Lombardi back next year.