Gun Nut

Sweet Jesus.

Dick Cheney, with the advice of his PR people and the persistent nagging of Democrats who want to know why the White House can prudently wait to discuss a hunting accident before "getting the facts straight," but can't manage to do the same before starting a war, decided to consent to an interview today to answer questions about that fateful day he "peppered" his friend "pretty good" with bird shot. Of course, as Steve Brady points out, instead of a nightly news show, he pulled his tail neatly between his wrinkled, age-spot-riddled legs and limped over to shag the softballs Fox News would throw his way.

"I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry," Cheney told Fox News Channel in his first public comments since the shooting Saturday in south Texas.

Did anyone else immediately think of "There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed a Fly" when they read this? "I don't know why that round hit Harry-- perhaps he'll die."

Cheney described seeing 78-year-old Harry Whittington fall to the ground after he pulled the trigger while aiming at a covey of quail.

"The image of him falling is something I'll never ever be able to get out of my mind," Cheney said. "I fired, and there's Harry falling. It was, I'd have to say, one of the worst days of my life at that moment."

Wow. Imagine how hard it would have been for Dick if he'd gone to Vietnam and routinely killed people, as well as watch people be killed. He'd probably be pretty messed up about the whole thing if watching one 78-year-old man writhe on the ground with Dick's medical team rushing in immediately made his tattered, surgically-reconstructed heart break. Too bad the douchebags in power would have cut veteran's benefits, so he'd have to deal with his baggage by himself.

And was ol' Dickie hammered?

Cheney said he had had a beer at lunch that day, but nobody was drinking when they went back out to hunt several hours later.

Maybe so. Yes, it was several hours, but this guy's metabolism must be fossilized by now. Keep in mind, kids-- guns and drinking don't mix.

"I ran over to him," Cheney said. "He was laying there on his back, obviously, bleeding. You could see where the shot struck him."

He said he has no idea if he hit a bird because he was focused on Whittington.

"I said, `Harry, I had no idea you were there.' He didn't respond," Cheney said.

"Just hold on, Harry! Just. Hold. On. Dear friend! Do not shuffle off this mortal coil so soon! Think of all the environmental regulations that are still in place that we could repeal! Think of all the defense contracts we have yet to no-bid on! I love you as much as a man can love a man without being queer! HARRY!"

Dick's friend appears to be taking this a shade too well.

Through hospital officials, Whittington has declined to comment.

"He still kind of wonders what all the hoopla is about," said Peter Banko, administrator of Christus Spohn Hospital Corpus Christi-Memorial.

The hoopla is you got shot by the fucking Vice President! You had a heart attack because a bullet lodged in your heart that the Vice President shot into you (...perhaps he'll die!). I can tell you what-- if the Vice President shot me and I had a bullet-induced heart attack, it would be a very big hoopla. The hoopiest of hooplas. I'd be on Al Franken's talk show so fast...

Dick caresses the cool, hard shaft as his friends look on, enviously...