Epistle

Dear Sallie Mae,

Are you on the motherfucking rock? You must be. Because there is no way that a sober person would demand of someone who lives-- in Boston, Massachusetts-- making less than $30k a year to pay 367 dollars PER MONTH for their student loans. But this is what you asked of me when I checked my payment amount for next month.

Let me tell you something. I have other loans to pay, Sallie. You aren't the only loan company in town. I'm also paying $75 a month to Citibank and the Federal government, EACH. With your huge spike in my payments, I would have spent over $500/month in student loan payments. I'd also like to, you know, pay rent and be able to afford groceries.

I don't live an extravagant life, Sallie. I am not rocking any Gucci or Coach, not taking many trips abroad, not living in a two-bedroom apartment by myself. I want to have the basics. Food. An apartment. An occasional classic dress from J. Crew. The ability to join the girls for a drink or two at the end of the week. I cannot leave my house at all if I'm paying about half my monthly income to you.

Thankfully, I managed to talk you down this morning, and you put me on the four-year graduated repayment plan, giving me until 2008 to pay less (and me faking my death in 2008 when the payments are nearly $500 for JUST your loans). I won't need it that long. When I get promoted (hopefully soon) I will have a little more money, and will be able to shell out the extra $100/month to you. But I am frightened to learn there isn't an income-sensitive repayment option open to me as a private loan holder. It's unfair, frankly. I make my payments (only one late one in three years) and you get more money from me in the long run from interest payments if I drag this out. We'd both win. I don't have the IRS threatening to garnish my wages (I hope they use parsley!) and you have more money to loan to other desperate college-bound students.

So I hope you get off the rock, and I do hope we can work something out that doesn't involve me moving back to my Mom's house or marrying for money. If I must stand on television, humiliated, and have a telethon, so be it.

Sincerely,
Amy