Amy 1; Boobs 547

Yesterday, I decided to get myself presentable again. My feet were calloused and dry, with the nail of my left big toe still slightly fucked up from stubbing it against a seven-year-old's sneaker. Since today is going to be gorgeous, I figured I should get my nails done. I had a gift certificate that Heather bought me for my birthday last year (thanks, Heather!) in my desk, so I decided to skip the gym and get a mani-pedi for only the price of a tip.

Walking down Newbury Street, I strolled by the American Apparel store. I normally try to avoid the place-- it is a den of hipsters, the t-shirts run small and make me feel porky. American Apparel treats their employees well, which I appreciate, but; hipsters. Lord. But my friend Stephanie, who is also afflicted by little boobs, told me about a dress they had there that was good for the little boobed women.

"I bought in five colors," she said. "And it has straps that you can wear as a halter or a strapless. It's super-cute."

Since I was in the neighborhood, had no appointment to get my nails done, and there was a relative dearth of hipsters in the store, I popped in. The dress was right in the front of the store in my favorite kelly green, so I picked it up and went into the back of the store to try it on.

The dressing room was small, and had the signature American Apparel advertisements I call "hipsters photographing hipsters." A girl, who was "a self-described Jersey warrior of Greek and Cuban descent" wears various American Apparel clothing (leg warmers? unitards? come the fuck on, you guys) while writhing on a bed. The pictures are vaguely pornographic, but with the added layer of self-importance that drives me batshit. Fucking hipsters.

Oh, the dress? IS FANTASTIC. I was scared I'd have the whole gut/boob problem, but the dress has a slight empire-waist, so it doesn't hug the gut enough to make it look horrific. The straps have enough support to make my boobs look great, the color is awesome, and it's like wearing a full-body t-shirt-- which it is, really-- but it's comfortable. Since the straps go strapless, halter, twisty halter so you get a keyhole for cleavage-viewing without being obscene, it's like getting three dresses for $36. I advise you to check it out before I buy out all of the mediums. You were warned.

I can't wait to wear this this summer. It'll be great for the beach, and I think if I get it in black it'll be great to wear out to the bar after the beach. I'm not wearing it today since it's too cool out for it (I've told myself it must be in the mid-80s to wear it) and it's a smidge casual for work, but I'm glad Stephanie told me about it.

I am, however, wearing my Michael Kors (the King of American Jet-Set Fashion, per Heidi Klum) halter top with the long straps with capri pants and open-toed shoes. Thank you, global warming, for this summer day in May.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, which is Spanish for "Amy drinks too much tequila and barfs on something she can't launder."